Livings in Ambiguity

It's wonderful to KNOW. However, most of the time,we have no idea. I am attempting to make peace with living in ambiguity. Expecially since I have no choice. There are things I just don't know. For instance, when will my knees get "better"? Will I need further surgery? Again, no one seems to know. Will I find a "sponsor"?. You know....those institutions who pay you for making appearances.....quite often Monday - Friday from 9:00 to 5:00. Will I get my writing skill back?.....the medication I'm taking seems to have dulled my verbal skills. Will I ever get my pictures hung on the wall?

In addition to complaining about my inabitiy to predict the future, I am back on my training schedule for the metaphorical tour de France. I am back at the gym and I am committing to 3 hours of some form of "deskwork" every day for 6 days. Since the entire dining room, including dining room table expanded with both leaves, and all chairs, a few snack tables have morphed into my "desk", I have some leeway regarding what counts as "deskwork". My real desk has a collapsed rolltop and at the moment is unuseable.

Rest of the house update: the laundry room has been cleared out and phase II is complete. Amazing.

Back to ambiguity. The lesson to be learned is to enjoy the day, in spite of not knowing. There really is no other choice.

Progress Report

Ah, no entries lately. I've been working on an incomplete in a class that is due by the end of this semester. It requires reading and writing....a lot of writing. We (mainly Rick) have been working on the laundry room and there is a good chance Phase II can be complete by the end of the weekend. Nutrition and Exercise......need to remotivate and start again. And in a few minutes I'm leaving to have both knees realigned. In the hospital overnight and back here on Tuesday, trying not to bend my knees but knowing I should. Ah, the travails of the metaphorical athlete.

messy

Yesterday I had a conversation with a young friend of mine who said that he thought that if he worked hard and did what he was "supposed to" then life would easy. He had been depresssed for a while and struggling with a major decision and no clear answer was in sight. I explained to him that it never works like that. Life is messy, but it is oh so rich. Life is sorta like a jamoca almond fudge ice cream cone. There is no way to participate without getting at least a little messsy. But it is Oh SO worth it.

Baby blanket

Ah, after 18 years, I finished Chelsea's baby blanket. Things were going fine until the bobbin thread started jambing up. I had to take the whole machine into the shop only to find out I had the presser foot down when I threaeded the needle. Duh. I brought the machine home and finished the blanket. Now, if I only knew what to do with it.

Ah, so little has happened in so much time.

One exciting thing is that my gym got new bicycles and they have nine settings including settings for rolling hills and Pikes Peak. The universe has decided to encourage my training.

I have pink eye. At least pink is my favorite color.

Up at 3:00 a.m.

I guess maybe I should consider adding insomnia to my list of issues.

Nevertheless, on the hoarding front, I have taken the pre-test and the post-test and the degree of my hoarding problem changed from Severe to Moderate. Obviously, if you were looking at my environment, I still have a bit of a clutter problem, but I have worked on it sucessfully. I painted the laundry room wall a second coat last night and now we are ready to put the shelves back against the wall and start tackling the mountains of stuff......specifically, Stuff to Wash and Camping and Outdoor gear, and I still have a few boxes to go through before we can tackle the organization of toys and tools. The big news is what HAS been accomplished. Trash out, things discarded, sorted, and washed.

For those of you without an imaginary staff and a sports psychology wing added to your house or apartment and with a hoarding problem, I recommend any of the following books by my staff.

• Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding (Neziroglu, Bubrick, Yaryara-Tobias, Perkins)
• Buried in Treasures (Tolin, Frost, Steketee)
• Compulsive Hoarding and Acquiring Workbook (Steketee, Frost)
• Compulsive Hoarding and Acquiring Therapist Guide (Stekett, Frost)

Of course, it is better to have the team living in a wing of your house, on call 24-7, but if you can't arrange that, the books are an adequate substitute.

Another day, another declutter

I've been de-cluttering the laundry room, and by laundry room I mean basement room almost the half the size of the house. I actually had a real person, as opposed to my imaginary staff, help me. Rick and I spent time for the past three days re-piling and tossing things out. And I only pulled one thing back out of the trash. So now we have a mountain of clothes and blankets to wash, a mountain of toys and camping gear and a corner we can't get to quite yet because toy and camping gear mountain are blocking access. We've sorted, tossed and washed and we even painted part of one wall. After the second coat, and cleaning off a set of metal shelves, we will be ready for the camping gear to find a permanent home. We are washing an extra load every day, hoping to lower the elevation of Things To Wash Mountain. That will leave us with Toy Mountain and a few other odds and ends to wrap up Phase II. Phase I has been done for several years, but no additional progress has been made until this past weekend. For anyone with hoarding issues, progress can be made.

Just like a real athlete

I feel just like a real athlete. I have to have knee surgery. All the real athletes have surgeries. They get theirs from working too hard, mine is that my knee and leg bone are not aligned properly....or something like that. I saw the x-rays.

Chef Ricardo made up the best dinner last night. Whereas I just add onions to EVERYTHING and call it a made up dish, he actually came up with a winner. He stir-fried broccoli, then steamed it, mixed it with olive oil, sauteed onion, whole wheat pasta, and no fat feta cheese. Ummm Ummm Good. It's the only time I have wanted more broccoli in my entire life.

Once I was going to cook something and the recipe said to saute it. I didn't know what that was and there was no glossary in the cookbook, so I put the cookbook away and probably haven't opened it since. I do know how to saute nowthough.

Mountain Training

Back on the bike today. In addtion to regular training, I added strenght training on the bike, just climbing up those mountains....ok, small inclines (level one) but it's a start.

Hoarding (continued)

Before I get to Le Tour, I have to make progress regarding stopping the hoarding. Treatment for hording includes 3 parts:
1.) organizing
2.) reducing clutter
3.) limiting acquiring
There are a ton of reasons that people who hoard have such a challenge organizing, reducing clutter, and limiting acquiring. Right now I am working on organizing things and reducing the clutter. For some magic reason, I am better able to discard things than before. Of course, I still save too much, but I'm planning to organize what is left, and then limit my acquiring. So far, having a little trouble with #3.

One of the things I bought Sunday was a print of an anthropomorphized dog, in a pool, getting 5 baby ducks in a row. It was meant to inspire me, both to get my ducks in a row, and to remember the futility of attempting to maintain ducks in a row. I went to get a frame today, but of course, the print was matted into a 14 x16 inch mat, which is no where near a standard size. So, I have to get it custom framed. The frame is going to cost more than the print. Probably not the best move.

P.S. Hoar is not a nickname for Hoarder.

Tour de France

I just watched (again) the last stage of the Tour that I had taped. It is amazing how those cyclists work as a team and put forth the effort to do what they do. I'm so inspired.



I am grateful for being blessed with my friends and my family and the concept of hope.



I bought a little book of quotes yesterday when I felt that I was experiencing a second chance, A New Leash on Life which of course has pictures of dogs and quotes......two of my favorite things. The following are from that book.



COURAGE: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next things that cones along. Eleanor Roosevelt



FRIENDSHIP: By friendship you mean that greatest love, the greatest usefulness, the most open communication, the noblest sufferings, the severest truth, the heartiest counsel and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable. Jeremy Taylor



GIFT: Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift -- there is nothing small about it. Florence Nightingale



TO MY FRIENDS: if I planted a flower every time I thought of you I could walk in my garden forever. Author Unknown



AND LASTLY: Don't go through life, grow through life. Eric Butterworth.

I heart my heart

A couple of weeks ago during the "these and those" things that caused me not to blog for a couple of weeks, I had a fair amount of stress. During one of the most stressful times, I had an EKG. Later I found out that the EKG showed that one of the parts of my heart was not getting blood and apparently I had had at least one heart attack. News to me. Today, I spent SEVEN hours at teh cardiologist's office, seeing the doctor, getting a stress test, and getting an echocardiogram. SEVEN hours. Everything went well except it was sort of difficult to limp while walking really fast......the knee is still a problem. However, it was worth a seven hour wait to get the final diagnosis. I do not have heart problems and the anomoly in the EKG was caused by stress. Good old every day, garden variety stress. Now I wish I would have gotten the sausage gravy and busicuit at Tamarack.

I had a stress test about 10 years ago and during the break for lunch between scans, I went to a local restaurant and ran into a friend who told me that when she had her stress test, she was having a hard time keeping up with the pace of the treadmill. All of a sudden she realized that they probably had it set for a younger woman. She had lied so often about her age, she had no idea what records at that particular hospital had recorded for her age. She was concerned that the they were going to kill her, thinking she was so much younger than she really was. At least the age in the obituaty would have been flattering.

Aren't people wonderful?

Teeny tiny reunion and Progress Report

Over this past weekend, I have visited with 4 of my friends from the West Side of Charleston and shot a pistol. I wasn't even deer hunting. Perhaps I will write a book called target shooting in the dark and in the rain off a back porch in Greenbrier County with Buddha. All I can say is that flagpole stand isn't going to bother anyone anymore.

The newest of these friendships is a 40 year old friendship and the oldest is a 50 year friendship. Good stuff. Good stuff and funny stuff. It's good for me to take time out to laugh.

Progress Report: There has been some! One of the tools I have learned about by being taught by the teams who writes the series of workbooks I have, is about recognizing the early signs of depression. One of mine is sleeping. I think I have mentioned before that it is my drug of choice. Other drugs of choice have included extreme television viewing and extreme dog. Household dogs now total seven and you are not even considered an animal hoarder until you reach 20 pets so I still consider myself at the far end of reasonableness. As a matter of fact, I think I am past reasonable and barely holding on to the line that divides the reasonableness from unreasonableness. You will be happy to know that I no longer desire dogs as drugs. Now my drug is sleep. When I start to get depressed and I start to think about things that deserve my deepest most attentive thoughts, YAWN......Its off to nap time. Sleep is a very effective and convenient, and inexpensive drug, and best of all, it doesn't require trips to the vet, nor does it shed hair on everything. And, if I get caught red-handed, in the middle of a sleep induced haze of reality avoidance I do not have to hire an attorney and since no one thinks of oversleeping as an addiction, no long trips to the Betty Ford Center. Of course, there are no celebrity sitings but then, everything has a trade-off.

The point is, and there is one, thanks to the work I've been doing, I recognized my yearning to nap as an early symptom of depression and I was so excited that my early depression symptoms abated. Of course, getting an extra nap is rarely a bad thing.

On my way to visit two of the four this weekend, I passed a sign announcing that I was on a "Technology Corridor". To my eyes, I was on a highway that was surrounded by tree covered hills. Lots of them, and one cell tower. I'm not sure if I was missing most of the technology or I was witnessing the super positive spin of a super optimist.

Either way, the tree covered hills reminded me of a story our white water rafting guide told us. He told us that he was taking a California woman on the river who was highly educated and working on a PhD. Her studies were obviously not in geography, geology, or anything that explained hills or mountains. For those without degress in geograhy, geology, anything to do with hills or mountaings and who are entirely devoid of common sense, remember that water, over time, will find the path of least resistance and form a river which is at the edge of, surprise!, a mountain to the left and a mountain to the right. Picture this scene. The woman from California asked the guide why the trees "in the back" were so much taller than the trees in front, along the river. Our guide promised that this is a true story.

Friends and Laughter

I'm still pondering my goals, but in the meantime, I took the opportunity to forget all about goals and working and improving my sorry self and shared meals with friends. Lunch was an impromptu occasion over legendary hot dogs on Charleston's West Side. Dinner was planned and was a substitute for seeing the new Taking Woodstock movie, which apparently did not appeal to enough people, because when I opened the paper to check the time, IT HAD MOVED ON. How rude, not to wait for Joanna and I to relive the days of our youth.

As our Plan B I picked up BBQ chicken from Jen's Southern Barbecue in Institute. So very good. I even bought a t-shirt from Jen's for $5.00. As usual, Joanna has the best music and we drowned our sorrow over missing the movie in food and music. Not a bad plan B. I was attempting to tell her a story which took, I kid you not, the entire 3.5 hours I was there. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to your story. I have 4 North Carolina ears that listen when I need to talk and yesterday I either talked to a listener or listened and laughed. I love people who can make me laugh and I am fortunate that I have had those people in my life.

One of the reasons it took so long to get the story out is that we took a lot of verbal side trips. On one such occasion we were discussing religion and how that far far far right developed. I said that "they" created divisiveness by suggesting that the world was divided into the godly and the godless.....or as Joanna would say.....the goddessly and the goddessless. Of course, one wanted to be associated with the group that would allow you to end up in a pearly gated community and golden streets, not the mention the many mansions. (Who do you think cleans those mansions? Do people get transferred from hell to clean for those in heaven?) So, the righteous became more righteous and pedantic and less exposed to other ideas, or even ideas rather than a simple emotional reaction. And our American competitiveness comes into play with even this issue, as people take christianity to the next level. And the next level, is not love, peace, joy, and service to others; the next level is competition. And the most brilliant thought crossed my mind. Lets have a reality show for fundamental christians and call it Holier Than Thou. [The lower case C is not a typographic mistake. It is a typocgraphic statement. I differentiate between Christians and christians]

The Ultimate Goal

I still have to figure out what "winning" the metaphorical Tour De France would be. What goals should I put in front of me? I suppose the ultimate goal is to live my life as my authentic self. As lofty as that sounds, that is not a very well described goal. Goals have to be measurable. You have to know exactly what you want or else you have no clue when or if you achieve it or even if you are close to achieving it.

Besides, I'm not even sure what living my life as my "authentic self" means. One assumes that the authentic self includes primarily the better part of one's personality. Or, does it mean that I should continue to be my authentic self but just find people to hang out with who enjoy the challenge of me at my more difficult times. And how do you find such people. Wanted: friends for well meaning but high maintenance woman. Must like chocolate and dogs (separately, not together) and have own car.

If my goal in life is for things to be "better" does this mean I am supposed to be better, or is the world around me supposed to be better?

I do think my goals have been too vague. For years I have wanted to be more physically fit, more organized, and to be able to "find time for creative projects". If complaining about things worked, our entire planet would be living in sheer bliss. So wanting to be "more" and to have "more" have not actually caused me to achieve these goals. I rode the bike today, so I am more fit than yesterday, so have I reached my goal? I know where my keys are. Since I am more organized than the days that I lose my keys, have I achieved goal number 2? And where does one look for additional time? I have 24 hours a day, the same as everyone else. If I want to do creative projects, I must do them within that 24 hour a day, seven day a week inventory of time.

Note to self: If you ever find "extra" time, remember not to tell anyone. It's the kind of conversation people walk away from, carefully, slowly, and backwards.

Quote that I like: "People often say that this or that person has not yet found themselves, but the self is not something that one finds. It is something one creates. Thomas Szasz

So, if we are creating ourselves, who shall we create?

Setting Goals

For all you following my bicycling drama, I am now pedaling at a level two. Sven is pushing me and I just know that Team Radio Shack is gonna love me.

You remember that I had a sports psychology wing added to my house. The level of need in the area of psychology, sports and otherwise, resulted in the wing being a little larger than the largest superstore. One of the teams that has taken up residence is a team with expertise in bi-polar disorder. There are five of them on the team: Bauer, Kilbourne, Greenwald, Ludman, and McBride. I get them confused at times but they are starting to teach me some motivating ideas. If I win the yellow jersey, I'll have to remember them in my acceptance speech. I know Le Tour De France for those people who insist on reality do not allow acceptance speeches, but in my metaphorical tour, acceptance speeches are not only given, they are given in really pretty, long, fancy dresses and televised during prime time. Sort of like the Oscars. Which reminds me, I need to hire a host, for when I win, I mean, [I lower my eyes modestly] in case I win.

My team that I referenced above, wrote a book, in case you are interested and since they can't live with you since they are all living with me. Overcoming Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Workbook for Managing Your Symptoms and Achieving Your Life Goals.

A long introduction to get to today's topic, Goals. When I say just the word GOAL in my mind, I always hear that soccer announcer (football announcer to my international readers) who yelled a very distinct and long sustained g - o - a- l each time the ball went into the net. Today's topic is not that kind of goal.

The team and I were sitting around talking, drinking sports drinks and eating power bars and they said:
"Goals are what make life worth living. These goals are determined by all the things that make us uniquely human -- our personalities, our experience, or inclination, our desires, and the like. Somewhere along the way, we've developed a set of values and priorities by which we live our lives. We might consider that goals are the ends that we strive for (the 'whats' in life), while values are the reasons that we have chosen those goals (the 'whys' in life)."

My first reaction to "goals are what make life worth living" was skepticism. I thought of some of my goals, in particular, bicycling 1000 miles by the end of January in order to earn a spot on a metaphorical bicycling team. (Team Radio Shack is my team of choice, except that George Hincapie is going to be on a different team, one that is being built around him, and I LOVE George Hincapie) In order to chose the team, I am going to see which metaphorical team offers me the best deal and decide based solely on financial and merchandising reasons. I'm telling the world now, if any team offers to produce a Pam Steelhammer Bobble Head Doll, I am IN. No question about it.

So, I'm thinking, riding 1000 miles on a stationary bike is NOT something that makes my life worth living. But when I stayed with that thought a little longer, my mind began to understand what the team had been talking about.

Q: Why did I set a goal to ride 1000 miles?
A: To be a member of a world class metaphorical bicycling team.

Q: Why join a metaphorical team?
A: To ride in and win the metaphorical Tour de France

Q: Why?
A: To work really hard at something that is important to me. To get my life back together. To be able to live my best life. To fulfill my purpose in life. To be of service. To be happy. To love unconditionally. To experience freedom. To feel joy.

As Lance said, it's not about the bike. It's not about the 1000 miles (real, not metaphorical). It's about the things listed under the last "why?".

My goal is making my life worth living.

physically fit

The tour de france, even a metaphorical one, requires physical fitness. My imaginary personal trainer, Sven, and I have been spending a fair amount of time together in the fitness wing of my house. If I were to describe the fitness wing to you you would swear that it sounds just like Nautilis in Cross Lanes. It may sound the same, but the Nautilis Center in Cross Lanes does not have an apartment for Sven to live in so he can be with me all the time to motivate me to get in shape. (A shape other than round)

Well today, I thought that since I had some time between appointments, I would slip into the Kanawha City Nautilis and do a workout there. Well, do they have some rules or what. I was wearing flip flops and was told that i could not use the machines while I was wearing flip flops. I asked if they were afraid I would drop something on my toes. The explanation was that someone might step on my toe and/or toes.

I was incredulous. I'm wondering how drunk the patrons of that gym must be to start staggering over and stepping on toes. Not that it doesn't happen. Once in a club someone danced on my little toe and broke it, but it was a club and a lot of people were in a variety of altered states. Once a friend told me he was going to the doctor because his toe hurt when he danced and he was afraid he broke it. Since it was one of the smaller toes, I told him there was nothing to be done to the toe and if it hurt when he danced, he should not dance on it.

What do you think? Do you think he took my advice? No. He went to the doctor who said there was nothing to do for a small broken toe and if it hurt when he danced on it, just not to dance on it. I have never let him forget the time he paid for the very same advice I gave him for free. Although in his defense, ususally my free advice is worth exactly the price paid for it.

paper diposal update

Rick got rid of the paper by building a little bonfire at the cul de sac. He pointed out that burning in daylight is not legal unless it is burning season. As far as I am concerned there are four seasons, and not one of them is Burning Season. How are you supposed to know all these rules? I'll probably have the fire police on my doorstep like those idiots who told the world on Dr. Phil about their illegal activities. How low are the ratings for Dr. Phil anyway? How far they fall. I knew Dr. Phil had lost some of his cache when I saw vitamins for sale with his picture on them. When I first glanced at them, I thought they were a supplement for bald people. Then it wasn't much longer and his wife's book was on the clearance rack. Not a good sign.

Anyway, dear readers, you are probably saying what an idiot I am to announce to the world that I have broken burning laws. Ah ha! Not to worry. My blog only has 3 readers. So if I end up incarcerated over this, I have the field narrowed down on who turned me in.

Rick also pointed out that there was way too much paper to burn in the sink. He said it reminded him of when I wanted to get rid of an old couch with a chain saw. I still think we could have cut it up and put it in the trash, a little bit at a time, every week. Power tools rock.

shredders

I should have bought the shredder when it was on sale. I have a bunch of papers that for some reason, I think should be shredded. Shredding is a relatively new idea. Just one more thing to buy and to do. Because someone might want to be us. People used to be content to be themselves, or just dress up like someone else on Halloween. Now they want to be someone else so they can spend someone else's money. Sigh, and this is progress.

Back to my document disposal conundrum. Since I did not buy the shredder when it was on sale, I decided that the best way to render my papers indecipherable would be to burn them. I imagined a small, steady fire in the sink. If there was a problem, the faucet was right there. The first problem was that the papers would not catch on fire. The best I could get was charred around the edges. I solved this problem by holding a match in the middle of the page until it started to burn. So far, so good. Then whoosh, the dancing flames were going toward the dishcloth, toward the plastic pot scrubber, and the rubber sink stopper. Only a small problem since the water faucet was right there. Nevertheless, it was time for plan B.

Plan B was to take the papers outside and burn them. I took a sample pack to see how it would work, extra matches and a gallon of water. Long story short, I did not anticipate the effects of a slight breeze. Nor the little voice in side my head saying, you don't suppose the fire could ignite anything that would be on the concrete, left behind by a vehicle turning into our driveway? Before the voice in my head had a definitive answer, I decided to let a more experienced incindery artist take over. Rick, thanks for volunteering. Kids, don't try this at home.

The Yellow Jersey is Mine!!

Forty Five Point Five hours of house hold tasks in 7 days. I didn't get much else accomplished, but I do have results that attest to my diligence. Both back bedrooms ready for company. The bear den (my craft room) actually a craft room, the hallway passable (as in "able to pass by"), the living room presentable, and bedroom better than before, and desk work started.

But as I mentioned, the yellow jersey in Le Tour de France requires a lot more than just organization. It's a whole balance of the things that sustain life and give us the ability to thrive.

It feels good to win and I assume everyone would rather be considered a winner rather than a loser. Part of the problem with that last statement is labeling. Just as winning one thing does not make you a winner for everything in life, not winning does not even come close to making someone a loser. Sometimes the better part of wisdom is to not even go for the all out "win". Sometimes the trade-off is not worth it. Sure, I won the Tour de Missouri, but in doing so, I neglected everything but my daily trip to the gym. Not really a good trade-off. Nevertheless, I won, and I paid a price.

Focus of the week ahead: nutrition and my depression workbooks. By the way, the workbooks help you get rid of depression, they are not guides for how to become depressed.