Before I get to Le Tour, I have to make progress regarding stopping the hoarding. Treatment for hording includes 3 parts:
1.) organizing
2.) reducing clutter
3.) limiting acquiring
There are a ton of reasons that people who hoard have such a challenge organizing, reducing clutter, and limiting acquiring. Right now I am working on organizing things and reducing the clutter. For some magic reason, I am better able to discard things than before. Of course, I still save too much, but I'm planning to organize what is left, and then limit my acquiring. So far, having a little trouble with #3.
One of the things I bought Sunday was a print of an anthropomorphized dog, in a pool, getting 5 baby ducks in a row. It was meant to inspire me, both to get my ducks in a row, and to remember the futility of attempting to maintain ducks in a row. I went to get a frame today, but of course, the print was matted into a 14 x16 inch mat, which is no where near a standard size. So, I have to get it custom framed. The frame is going to cost more than the print. Probably not the best move.
P.S. Hoar is not a nickname for Hoarder.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tour de France
I just watched (again) the last stage of the Tour that I had taped. It is amazing how those cyclists work as a team and put forth the effort to do what they do. I'm so inspired.
I am grateful for being blessed with my friends and my family and the concept of hope.
I bought a little book of quotes yesterday when I felt that I was experiencing a second chance, A New Leash on Life which of course has pictures of dogs and quotes......two of my favorite things. The following are from that book.
COURAGE: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next things that cones along. Eleanor Roosevelt
FRIENDSHIP: By friendship you mean that greatest love, the greatest usefulness, the most open communication, the noblest sufferings, the severest truth, the heartiest counsel and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable. Jeremy Taylor
GIFT: Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift -- there is nothing small about it. Florence Nightingale
TO MY FRIENDS: if I planted a flower every time I thought of you I could walk in my garden forever. Author Unknown
AND LASTLY: Don't go through life, grow through life. Eric Butterworth.
I am grateful for being blessed with my friends and my family and the concept of hope.
I bought a little book of quotes yesterday when I felt that I was experiencing a second chance, A New Leash on Life which of course has pictures of dogs and quotes......two of my favorite things. The following are from that book.
COURAGE: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next things that cones along. Eleanor Roosevelt
FRIENDSHIP: By friendship you mean that greatest love, the greatest usefulness, the most open communication, the noblest sufferings, the severest truth, the heartiest counsel and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable. Jeremy Taylor
GIFT: Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift -- there is nothing small about it. Florence Nightingale
TO MY FRIENDS: if I planted a flower every time I thought of you I could walk in my garden forever. Author Unknown
AND LASTLY: Don't go through life, grow through life. Eric Butterworth.
Monday, September 28, 2009
I heart my heart
A couple of weeks ago during the "these and those" things that caused me not to blog for a couple of weeks, I had a fair amount of stress. During one of the most stressful times, I had an EKG. Later I found out that the EKG showed that one of the parts of my heart was not getting blood and apparently I had had at least one heart attack. News to me. Today, I spent SEVEN hours at teh cardiologist's office, seeing the doctor, getting a stress test, and getting an echocardiogram. SEVEN hours. Everything went well except it was sort of difficult to limp while walking really fast......the knee is still a problem. However, it was worth a seven hour wait to get the final diagnosis. I do not have heart problems and the anomoly in the EKG was caused by stress. Good old every day, garden variety stress. Now I wish I would have gotten the sausage gravy and busicuit at Tamarack.
I had a stress test about 10 years ago and during the break for lunch between scans, I went to a local restaurant and ran into a friend who told me that when she had her stress test, she was having a hard time keeping up with the pace of the treadmill. All of a sudden she realized that they probably had it set for a younger woman. She had lied so often about her age, she had no idea what records at that particular hospital had recorded for her age. She was concerned that the they were going to kill her, thinking she was so much younger than she really was. At least the age in the obituaty would have been flattering.
Aren't people wonderful?
I had a stress test about 10 years ago and during the break for lunch between scans, I went to a local restaurant and ran into a friend who told me that when she had her stress test, she was having a hard time keeping up with the pace of the treadmill. All of a sudden she realized that they probably had it set for a younger woman. She had lied so often about her age, she had no idea what records at that particular hospital had recorded for her age. She was concerned that the they were going to kill her, thinking she was so much younger than she really was. At least the age in the obituaty would have been flattering.
Aren't people wonderful?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Teeny tiny reunion and Progress Report
Over this past weekend, I have visited with 4 of my friends from the West Side of Charleston and shot a pistol. I wasn't even deer hunting. Perhaps I will write a book called target shooting in the dark and in the rain off a back porch in Greenbrier County with Buddha. All I can say is that flagpole stand isn't going to bother anyone anymore.
The newest of these friendships is a 40 year old friendship and the oldest is a 50 year friendship. Good stuff. Good stuff and funny stuff. It's good for me to take time out to laugh.
Progress Report: There has been some! One of the tools I have learned about by being taught by the teams who writes the series of workbooks I have, is about recognizing the early signs of depression. One of mine is sleeping. I think I have mentioned before that it is my drug of choice. Other drugs of choice have included extreme television viewing and extreme dog. Household dogs now total seven and you are not even considered an animal hoarder until you reach 20 pets so I still consider myself at the far end of reasonableness. As a matter of fact, I think I am past reasonable and barely holding on to the line that divides the reasonableness from unreasonableness. You will be happy to know that I no longer desire dogs as drugs. Now my drug is sleep. When I start to get depressed and I start to think about things that deserve my deepest most attentive thoughts, YAWN......Its off to nap time. Sleep is a very effective and convenient, and inexpensive drug, and best of all, it doesn't require trips to the vet, nor does it shed hair on everything. And, if I get caught red-handed, in the middle of a sleep induced haze of reality avoidance I do not have to hire an attorney and since no one thinks of oversleeping as an addiction, no long trips to the Betty Ford Center. Of course, there are no celebrity sitings but then, everything has a trade-off.
The point is, and there is one, thanks to the work I've been doing, I recognized my yearning to nap as an early symptom of depression and I was so excited that my early depression symptoms abated. Of course, getting an extra nap is rarely a bad thing.
On my way to visit two of the four this weekend, I passed a sign announcing that I was on a "Technology Corridor". To my eyes, I was on a highway that was surrounded by tree covered hills. Lots of them, and one cell tower. I'm not sure if I was missing most of the technology or I was witnessing the super positive spin of a super optimist.
Either way, the tree covered hills reminded me of a story our white water rafting guide told us. He told us that he was taking a California woman on the river who was highly educated and working on a PhD. Her studies were obviously not in geography, geology, or anything that explained hills or mountains. For those without degress in geograhy, geology, anything to do with hills or mountaings and who are entirely devoid of common sense, remember that water, over time, will find the path of least resistance and form a river which is at the edge of, surprise!, a mountain to the left and a mountain to the right. Picture this scene. The woman from California asked the guide why the trees "in the back" were so much taller than the trees in front, along the river. Our guide promised that this is a true story.
The newest of these friendships is a 40 year old friendship and the oldest is a 50 year friendship. Good stuff. Good stuff and funny stuff. It's good for me to take time out to laugh.
Progress Report: There has been some! One of the tools I have learned about by being taught by the teams who writes the series of workbooks I have, is about recognizing the early signs of depression. One of mine is sleeping. I think I have mentioned before that it is my drug of choice. Other drugs of choice have included extreme television viewing and extreme dog. Household dogs now total seven and you are not even considered an animal hoarder until you reach 20 pets so I still consider myself at the far end of reasonableness. As a matter of fact, I think I am past reasonable and barely holding on to the line that divides the reasonableness from unreasonableness. You will be happy to know that I no longer desire dogs as drugs. Now my drug is sleep. When I start to get depressed and I start to think about things that deserve my deepest most attentive thoughts, YAWN......Its off to nap time. Sleep is a very effective and convenient, and inexpensive drug, and best of all, it doesn't require trips to the vet, nor does it shed hair on everything. And, if I get caught red-handed, in the middle of a sleep induced haze of reality avoidance I do not have to hire an attorney and since no one thinks of oversleeping as an addiction, no long trips to the Betty Ford Center. Of course, there are no celebrity sitings but then, everything has a trade-off.
The point is, and there is one, thanks to the work I've been doing, I recognized my yearning to nap as an early symptom of depression and I was so excited that my early depression symptoms abated. Of course, getting an extra nap is rarely a bad thing.
On my way to visit two of the four this weekend, I passed a sign announcing that I was on a "Technology Corridor". To my eyes, I was on a highway that was surrounded by tree covered hills. Lots of them, and one cell tower. I'm not sure if I was missing most of the technology or I was witnessing the super positive spin of a super optimist.
Either way, the tree covered hills reminded me of a story our white water rafting guide told us. He told us that he was taking a California woman on the river who was highly educated and working on a PhD. Her studies were obviously not in geography, geology, or anything that explained hills or mountains. For those without degress in geograhy, geology, anything to do with hills or mountaings and who are entirely devoid of common sense, remember that water, over time, will find the path of least resistance and form a river which is at the edge of, surprise!, a mountain to the left and a mountain to the right. Picture this scene. The woman from California asked the guide why the trees "in the back" were so much taller than the trees in front, along the river. Our guide promised that this is a true story.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Friends and Laughter
I'm still pondering my goals, but in the meantime, I took the opportunity to forget all about goals and working and improving my sorry self and shared meals with friends. Lunch was an impromptu occasion over legendary hot dogs on Charleston's West Side. Dinner was planned and was a substitute for seeing the new Taking Woodstock movie, which apparently did not appeal to enough people, because when I opened the paper to check the time, IT HAD MOVED ON. How rude, not to wait for Joanna and I to relive the days of our youth.
As our Plan B I picked up BBQ chicken from Jen's Southern Barbecue in Institute. So very good. I even bought a t-shirt from Jen's for $5.00. As usual, Joanna has the best music and we drowned our sorrow over missing the movie in food and music. Not a bad plan B. I was attempting to tell her a story which took, I kid you not, the entire 3.5 hours I was there. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to your story. I have 4 North Carolina ears that listen when I need to talk and yesterday I either talked to a listener or listened and laughed. I love people who can make me laugh and I am fortunate that I have had those people in my life.
One of the reasons it took so long to get the story out is that we took a lot of verbal side trips. On one such occasion we were discussing religion and how that far far far right developed. I said that "they" created divisiveness by suggesting that the world was divided into the godly and the godless.....or as Joanna would say.....the goddessly and the goddessless. Of course, one wanted to be associated with the group that would allow you to end up in a pearly gated community and golden streets, not the mention the many mansions. (Who do you think cleans those mansions? Do people get transferred from hell to clean for those in heaven?) So, the righteous became more righteous and pedantic and less exposed to other ideas, or even ideas rather than a simple emotional reaction. And our American competitiveness comes into play with even this issue, as people take christianity to the next level. And the next level, is not love, peace, joy, and service to others; the next level is competition. And the most brilliant thought crossed my mind. Lets have a reality show for fundamental christians and call it Holier Than Thou. [The lower case C is not a typographic mistake. It is a typocgraphic statement. I differentiate between Christians and christians]
As our Plan B I picked up BBQ chicken from Jen's Southern Barbecue in Institute. So very good. I even bought a t-shirt from Jen's for $5.00. As usual, Joanna has the best music and we drowned our sorrow over missing the movie in food and music. Not a bad plan B. I was attempting to tell her a story which took, I kid you not, the entire 3.5 hours I was there. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to your story. I have 4 North Carolina ears that listen when I need to talk and yesterday I either talked to a listener or listened and laughed. I love people who can make me laugh and I am fortunate that I have had those people in my life.
One of the reasons it took so long to get the story out is that we took a lot of verbal side trips. On one such occasion we were discussing religion and how that far far far right developed. I said that "they" created divisiveness by suggesting that the world was divided into the godly and the godless.....or as Joanna would say.....the goddessly and the goddessless. Of course, one wanted to be associated with the group that would allow you to end up in a pearly gated community and golden streets, not the mention the many mansions. (Who do you think cleans those mansions? Do people get transferred from hell to clean for those in heaven?) So, the righteous became more righteous and pedantic and less exposed to other ideas, or even ideas rather than a simple emotional reaction. And our American competitiveness comes into play with even this issue, as people take christianity to the next level. And the next level, is not love, peace, joy, and service to others; the next level is competition. And the most brilliant thought crossed my mind. Lets have a reality show for fundamental christians and call it Holier Than Thou. [The lower case C is not a typographic mistake. It is a typocgraphic statement. I differentiate between Christians and christians]
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Ultimate Goal
I still have to figure out what "winning" the metaphorical Tour De France would be. What goals should I put in front of me? I suppose the ultimate goal is to live my life as my authentic self. As lofty as that sounds, that is not a very well described goal. Goals have to be measurable. You have to know exactly what you want or else you have no clue when or if you achieve it or even if you are close to achieving it.
Besides, I'm not even sure what living my life as my "authentic self" means. One assumes that the authentic self includes primarily the better part of one's personality. Or, does it mean that I should continue to be my authentic self but just find people to hang out with who enjoy the challenge of me at my more difficult times. And how do you find such people. Wanted: friends for well meaning but high maintenance woman. Must like chocolate and dogs (separately, not together) and have own car.
If my goal in life is for things to be "better" does this mean I am supposed to be better, or is the world around me supposed to be better?
I do think my goals have been too vague. For years I have wanted to be more physically fit, more organized, and to be able to "find time for creative projects". If complaining about things worked, our entire planet would be living in sheer bliss. So wanting to be "more" and to have "more" have not actually caused me to achieve these goals. I rode the bike today, so I am more fit than yesterday, so have I reached my goal? I know where my keys are. Since I am more organized than the days that I lose my keys, have I achieved goal number 2? And where does one look for additional time? I have 24 hours a day, the same as everyone else. If I want to do creative projects, I must do them within that 24 hour a day, seven day a week inventory of time.
Note to self: If you ever find "extra" time, remember not to tell anyone. It's the kind of conversation people walk away from, carefully, slowly, and backwards.
Quote that I like: "People often say that this or that person has not yet found themselves, but the self is not something that one finds. It is something one creates. Thomas Szasz
So, if we are creating ourselves, who shall we create?
Besides, I'm not even sure what living my life as my "authentic self" means. One assumes that the authentic self includes primarily the better part of one's personality. Or, does it mean that I should continue to be my authentic self but just find people to hang out with who enjoy the challenge of me at my more difficult times. And how do you find such people. Wanted: friends for well meaning but high maintenance woman. Must like chocolate and dogs (separately, not together) and have own car.
If my goal in life is for things to be "better" does this mean I am supposed to be better, or is the world around me supposed to be better?
I do think my goals have been too vague. For years I have wanted to be more physically fit, more organized, and to be able to "find time for creative projects". If complaining about things worked, our entire planet would be living in sheer bliss. So wanting to be "more" and to have "more" have not actually caused me to achieve these goals. I rode the bike today, so I am more fit than yesterday, so have I reached my goal? I know where my keys are. Since I am more organized than the days that I lose my keys, have I achieved goal number 2? And where does one look for additional time? I have 24 hours a day, the same as everyone else. If I want to do creative projects, I must do them within that 24 hour a day, seven day a week inventory of time.
Note to self: If you ever find "extra" time, remember not to tell anyone. It's the kind of conversation people walk away from, carefully, slowly, and backwards.
Quote that I like: "People often say that this or that person has not yet found themselves, but the self is not something that one finds. It is something one creates. Thomas Szasz
So, if we are creating ourselves, who shall we create?
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Setting Goals
For all you following my bicycling drama, I am now pedaling at a level two. Sven is pushing me and I just know that Team Radio Shack is gonna love me.
You remember that I had a sports psychology wing added to my house. The level of need in the area of psychology, sports and otherwise, resulted in the wing being a little larger than the largest superstore. One of the teams that has taken up residence is a team with expertise in bi-polar disorder. There are five of them on the team: Bauer, Kilbourne, Greenwald, Ludman, and McBride. I get them confused at times but they are starting to teach me some motivating ideas. If I win the yellow jersey, I'll have to remember them in my acceptance speech. I know Le Tour De France for those people who insist on reality do not allow acceptance speeches, but in my metaphorical tour, acceptance speeches are not only given, they are given in really pretty, long, fancy dresses and televised during prime time. Sort of like the Oscars. Which reminds me, I need to hire a host, for when I win, I mean, [I lower my eyes modestly] in case I win.
My team that I referenced above, wrote a book, in case you are interested and since they can't live with you since they are all living with me. Overcoming Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Workbook for Managing Your Symptoms and Achieving Your Life Goals.
A long introduction to get to today's topic, Goals. When I say just the word GOAL in my mind, I always hear that soccer announcer (football announcer to my international readers) who yelled a very distinct and long sustained g - o - a- l each time the ball went into the net. Today's topic is not that kind of goal.
The team and I were sitting around talking, drinking sports drinks and eating power bars and they said:
"Goals are what make life worth living. These goals are determined by all the things that make us uniquely human -- our personalities, our experience, or inclination, our desires, and the like. Somewhere along the way, we've developed a set of values and priorities by which we live our lives. We might consider that goals are the ends that we strive for (the 'whats' in life), while values are the reasons that we have chosen those goals (the 'whys' in life)."
My first reaction to "goals are what make life worth living" was skepticism. I thought of some of my goals, in particular, bicycling 1000 miles by the end of January in order to earn a spot on a metaphorical bicycling team. (Team Radio Shack is my team of choice, except that George Hincapie is going to be on a different team, one that is being built around him, and I LOVE George Hincapie) In order to chose the team, I am going to see which metaphorical team offers me the best deal and decide based solely on financial and merchandising reasons. I'm telling the world now, if any team offers to produce a Pam Steelhammer Bobble Head Doll, I am IN. No question about it.
So, I'm thinking, riding 1000 miles on a stationary bike is NOT something that makes my life worth living. But when I stayed with that thought a little longer, my mind began to understand what the team had been talking about.
Q: Why did I set a goal to ride 1000 miles?
A: To be a member of a world class metaphorical bicycling team.
Q: Why join a metaphorical team?
A: To ride in and win the metaphorical Tour de France
Q: Why?
A: To work really hard at something that is important to me. To get my life back together. To be able to live my best life. To fulfill my purpose in life. To be of service. To be happy. To love unconditionally. To experience freedom. To feel joy.
As Lance said, it's not about the bike. It's not about the 1000 miles (real, not metaphorical). It's about the things listed under the last "why?".
My goal is making my life worth living.
You remember that I had a sports psychology wing added to my house. The level of need in the area of psychology, sports and otherwise, resulted in the wing being a little larger than the largest superstore. One of the teams that has taken up residence is a team with expertise in bi-polar disorder. There are five of them on the team: Bauer, Kilbourne, Greenwald, Ludman, and McBride. I get them confused at times but they are starting to teach me some motivating ideas. If I win the yellow jersey, I'll have to remember them in my acceptance speech. I know Le Tour De France for those people who insist on reality do not allow acceptance speeches, but in my metaphorical tour, acceptance speeches are not only given, they are given in really pretty, long, fancy dresses and televised during prime time. Sort of like the Oscars. Which reminds me, I need to hire a host, for when I win, I mean, [I lower my eyes modestly] in case I win.
My team that I referenced above, wrote a book, in case you are interested and since they can't live with you since they are all living with me. Overcoming Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Workbook for Managing Your Symptoms and Achieving Your Life Goals.
A long introduction to get to today's topic, Goals. When I say just the word GOAL in my mind, I always hear that soccer announcer (football announcer to my international readers) who yelled a very distinct and long sustained g - o - a- l each time the ball went into the net. Today's topic is not that kind of goal.
The team and I were sitting around talking, drinking sports drinks and eating power bars and they said:
"Goals are what make life worth living. These goals are determined by all the things that make us uniquely human -- our personalities, our experience, or inclination, our desires, and the like. Somewhere along the way, we've developed a set of values and priorities by which we live our lives. We might consider that goals are the ends that we strive for (the 'whats' in life), while values are the reasons that we have chosen those goals (the 'whys' in life)."
My first reaction to "goals are what make life worth living" was skepticism. I thought of some of my goals, in particular, bicycling 1000 miles by the end of January in order to earn a spot on a metaphorical bicycling team. (Team Radio Shack is my team of choice, except that George Hincapie is going to be on a different team, one that is being built around him, and I LOVE George Hincapie) In order to chose the team, I am going to see which metaphorical team offers me the best deal and decide based solely on financial and merchandising reasons. I'm telling the world now, if any team offers to produce a Pam Steelhammer Bobble Head Doll, I am IN. No question about it.
So, I'm thinking, riding 1000 miles on a stationary bike is NOT something that makes my life worth living. But when I stayed with that thought a little longer, my mind began to understand what the team had been talking about.
Q: Why did I set a goal to ride 1000 miles?
A: To be a member of a world class metaphorical bicycling team.
Q: Why join a metaphorical team?
A: To ride in and win the metaphorical Tour de France
Q: Why?
A: To work really hard at something that is important to me. To get my life back together. To be able to live my best life. To fulfill my purpose in life. To be of service. To be happy. To love unconditionally. To experience freedom. To feel joy.
As Lance said, it's not about the bike. It's not about the 1000 miles (real, not metaphorical). It's about the things listed under the last "why?".
My goal is making my life worth living.
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