Sports Psychologist

I hope my absence from the blogosphere yesterday did not disappoint my two followers. The situation is such that my training, and reporting on such may be interrupted due to a serious family illness that will require most all of my attention and emotional energy in the upcoming days or weeks.

You will be relieved to know that we have hired dozens of sports psychologists to deal with my issues of depression, anxiety, anger, motivation, and hoarding, which is a subset of obsessive compulsive disorder. The wing housing the sports psychologist staff is larger than the original house. In fact, we had to purchase a lot beside the house and one behind the house to have enough room for such a large staff. Wish them luck.

It's all Joanna's fault

I planned to get back home tonight and write something amazing. However, I've been at Joanna's all afternoon and evening traveling back through the 50s, 6o's and 70's. The 80's and 9o's not so much. Having a wonderful time.......

46 more weeks

Today is the 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Festival of Music and Arts. I intend to watch the movie again, keep a candle lit, wear a tie-dye shirt, and finish reading Back to the Garden Peace, Love, and Rock and Roll.

Metaphorical Leadville 100

The Leadville 100 is a bike race in Colorado that Lance is racing in tomorrow. Not to sound too competitive but I have finished my metaphorical Leadville 100 a day BEFORE Lance's ride. I do think he has a better shot at the yellow jersey in 2010; all I'm saying is that regarding the Leadville 100, both real and metaphorical, I finished first.

To create my metaphorical Leadville 100, I had to come up with something difficult, but not as difficult as the 2500 mile Tour de France. For 50 minutes (half of 100) I perused an actual cookbook. I used The New Moosewood Cookbook by Mollie Kagzen. All vegetarian. I looked for recipies without wheat, dairy, or sugar. I also made a grocery list so I can prepare Gazpacho. This may not seem like a Leadville 100 worthy eventl, but keep in mind, that my cooking is limited to oatmeal and scrambled eggs. So thinking about making gazpacho is a big deal. I did make gazpacho once over 25 years ago. I served it to guests but I had not taken it out of the freezer in time, and so it was rather crunchy. Crunchy is not so great when it's a characteristic of a soup.

Anyway, I finished the Leadville 100. A solid 50 minutes with no distrations. I'm now waiting for confirmation that I did not use illegal means to enhance my performance.....followed by the podium ceremony, and then of course, the media interviews.

More Truth: Hoarding

I watched a program on TV last night about people who were hoarders. Too close to home for me to enjoy. Which leads to yet another issue im my life that needs to be addressed. My clutter. Much of my life looks as if someone dumped the world's largest purse around me. I'm sorta like the Pigpen character in the Peanuts Comic Strip. Wherever I am, my stuff surrounds me. I mean to do better but I have a little bit of that hoarding thing, and a little bit of that OCD thing, and a whole lotta stuff. I know I'm supposed to throw it all away. Instead I promise I will organize it and when I try it's a rather daunting task.

It may be time to add a new wing to the house and fill it with organizational consultants. I'll look into it.

the truth about nutrition

The first truth is that I don't cook and I don't like to cook. I don't like to do things that are difficult. i want results immediately and easily. I have a short attention span and I really need someone to remind me to do what I promised myself to do or I need to work really hard on developing better habits. Some say it takes 21 days to develop a habit, others say 500 repetitions. My attention span does not last that long. At least not yet.

I believe detox is a good idea. Dr. Sven thinks its a good idea. For someone who is such a novice in the kitchen, detox is limited. Yesterday I decided to compact the 5 week program into 8 days. Yesterday was week 2. I made organic eggs with organic tomatoes and pesticide filled onion. Yum. I made one of my supplement drinks that is supposed to be consumed on an empty stomach. I took a bite of my delicious breakfast and then noticed I had not finished my glass of supplements. Then I made rice that I had purchased at the health food store. Long grain, organic, pesticide free brown rice. The I reread the detox manual and it listed SHORT grain rice. Of course it did. Since butter is a dairy product, I added garlic (loaded with pesticides right out a jar, already chopped) and olive oil. Don't try this at home. Then I added stevia, the approved sweetener. I ate it. Again, don't try this at home. For dinner, a wild salmon steak was recommended. I had a tuna steak in a pouch and with rice I was on my way to producing a two substance meal, a big deal for me. I really don't consider spaghetti noodles with butter, a two item dinner. I was pleased, proud, and perhaps even a little smug. Then I realized that the pouch of tuna had sauce made with "stuff" and of course, sugar. Why do I bother.

The second truth is that although I stand on my metaphorical soapbox and rant about nutrition, what I really want to do is to lose weight. And if I am really going to lose weight, I have to have a plan, I have to plan, and I have to follow the plan. I have to keep a food diary. If I want nutrition in my life, I have to introduce myself to my kitchen. The kitchen and I have to become friends. We have to become very good friends. No longer can I toss off the line I stole from someone, "I only have a kitchen because it came with the house".

There is no secret to weight loss. Calories consumed, energy expended. The relationship between the two determines if clothes are looser or tighter. Simple. The hard part of losing weight is overcoming the emotional motivation to eat.

Cycling news: Lance is racing in the Leadville 100 on Saturday. For a metaphorical match, I am spending Friday doing something equally difficult. Details not yet confirmed. Johan (my race director) and I will have to consult on an appropriately metaphorical task to match Lance's efforts on Saturday.

Personal Trainer

Nutrition: I have decided to modify my 5 week detox. I keep forgetting things so I'm going for progress not perfection. I was halfway through a restaurant salad yesterday and realized that I was eating feta cheese....which is a dairy product. Other than that I have kept off dairy and I hate to admit this but my mood has improved. I'm not sure I'm so happy about this. Gee, should I be hoping to be depressed?

I have hired a personal trainer. His name is Sven. He's good friends with Oprah's personal trainer as well as all the people whose pictures appear on all those books exhorting the public to get fit. Just found out that BOTH my knees have a torn meniscus. Went to the physical therapist yesterday. His name is also Sven. Went to the sports' medicine doctor today. His name is Dr. Sven. Of course, we had the 3000 member crew of Extreme Home Makeover add the physical therapy, and sports training wing to the house, complete with apartment for Sven. Took them 4 hours and 7 minutes. Sven has been my imaginary personal trainer for many years and quite frankly he has been rather inconsistent. He's a wonderful motivator for a few days then he gives me "the look", raises both eyebrows quickly, and in a stage whisper says, "You remember that there are Girl Scout cookies in the freezer don't you?" But he's so cute and adorable, I keep hiring him back. He has impeccable taste in everything. Probably because he is gay.

Dr. Sven thought detoxing periodically was a good idea.

Motivation

Motivation seems to be in short supply with me. Perhaps that has been one of the obstacles that has kept me stuck. I know it sounds so simple, but before I had a race director, I did not think much about motivation. I do not like the way I am living. And as the ultimate race director pointed out, the way I live is my choice. I love new beginnings. I love Mondays, the first of months, the first day of seasons, my birthday, January 1, and words cannot describe my enthusiasm at the start of both the new century and the new millennium. I always start out with enough enthusiasm for 10 people. Then, when actual work is required, I tend to get distracted to a new project. Sometimes I think of the things that need to change and I get overwhelmed.....So many projects, so little time. So, do I work on one at a time? Do I work on 3 at a time? I don't know and usually, when I have to decide something that confuses me, I get very sleepy and feel compelled to take a nap. Which is what I want to do right now. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Regarding Adele and Nutrition: I'm not so good at keeping promises to myself.....which is a whole other story. Did fairly well on detox day 3 yesterday. Except when I ran into one of the friends I've had the longest (I did not say oldest friend) who is just a gift in any one's life, and since I hadn't eaten before I left home, we went to a fast food establishment and had a salad. A salad and dressing that has "stuff" in it. And tea, with caffeine. Then i ate a piece of homemade fudge that was really good. And I forgot my evening lemon juice again, and my supplements. So, for day 4 I have made a list of things to do and take. and it is my intention to check them off as I do them.

I think it may be time to address a couple of my other major 12 issues and hire additional staff. Johan and I will have to decide which ones to tackle first. I really thought training would be easier. Silly me.

Downs and Ups

I shall first confess my "downs". Delia Detox (author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Detoxing you Body, part of Adele's Team Nutrition, and current resident of newly created Nutrition Wing) suggests eliminating one food at a time. Day one, I eliminated dairy. Day two, I wandered into my kitchen and noticed peanut butter cookies and decided NOT to give up sugar that day. So I indulged in these amazing cookies in celebration of my giving up wheat. Later in the day, I figured out that those cookies have flour in them, but just now, I realized that the flour in those cookies was enriched, bleached out, pummeled and was miles away from being wheat. Which is just now resulting in a lesson learned.

When I thought I had eaten the wheat I began the spiral downward. Although I so cleverly found a loophole to allow me to consume peanut butter cookies, only a complete idiot would agree with me and think it was really a great idea to eat six large peanut butter cookies on a detox diet. I was hungry, out of the house, and, since I had already blown my non-wheat day, on my way to a quick fast food sandwich. I'm not sure exactly why, or how, but my driver ended up at the grocery store instead. My driver, who often is my grocery store shopper, coaxed me into the large Kroger store and into the natural foods isle. Wow. Who knew about all the organic offerings at the Kroger just two Krogers past our most local Kroger store. Well, in all honestly, my driver/grocery shopper did. I bought a few things, enough to snack on for the rest of the day that were indeed, on the approved detox list. I also added on of the recommended detox supplements. After I got into bed, I realized I had forgotten my evening lemon and water cocktail. I fell asleep, gratefully remembering the adage, "Progress not Perfection".

The lesson learned: The circumstances of the day stayed consistent. I ate flour but not actually wheat. When I thought it was wheat, I emotionally spiraled downward. When I realized the flour had not been wheat for quite some time, I emotionally perked right up. So the lesson learned is that THOUGHTS CREATE YOUR MOOD. Duh, it seems so simple. Someone told me once that when I start the downward spiral to remind myself that it's only a feeling, an image, a thought, or self talk. FITT. A feeling, an image, a thought or self talk, in itself, is not harmful. Simply let them go. Yes, its easier said than done, but as I've said before, I've tried to change the world for eons, it's time for me to change.

My goal today is to prepare food in addition to steel cut oats. I wish Johan would let me hire a cook.

47 weeks to go: Changes

Accomplishments of the past week: Met with race director to prepare for next day (6 out of 7 days); identified obstacles; began sessions with nutritionist; began detox; made it through one day of detox.

Problems identified: lack of productive habits, lack of proper nutrition, issues with anger (just little issues and only when the idiots deserved it)

The first week of training seemed so simple at the beginning. Hire the best staff and let them transform me. We built the helicopter pad to make Johan's nightly visits easier and we built the nutritional wing for Adele and her staff. I visualized myself wearing the yellow jersey to remind myself of the ultimate goal. Then it became obvious that winning the metaphorical Tour de France will require much effort on my part. It will require much effort and many changes.

Changes. Change is what we want the "other"to do. If only those people who annoy me would change. If only the people who don't understand me would change. If only this institution, that circumstance, those rules would change. It has come to my attention that I am the one that needs to change. "Impossible" you say and I totally agree. How can it be me that needs to change when all those people act the way they do? Heaven knows, I have done everything in my power to get them to change. I have complained, I have whined, I have graciously given advice on what should be changed to the people that need to change things, not once, but many, many times. I have spoken to them politely and I have screamed it to them in case the reason they were not changing was a hearing problem. None of this has elicited the change that would make my life the way it should be.

I have vowed to change myself too many times for anyone or anything except a mainframe computer to count. I have made lists and lists and lists of lists. I have purchased books and magazines and attended seminars and support groups and yet, nothing changes. Now I have hired the world's best race director and the world's best nutritionist hoping that their lists would get the job done. Instead, they are telling me that I have to change. Me. I have to do things differently. I spoke politely and even raised my voice (for emphasis). I used logic, I begged and pleaded, I cajoled, I cried, I threatened to hold my breath until I turned blue and still the verdict was that I had to change.

Training for Le Tour means metaphorically bicycling up the highest mountain. It means devoting hours to working hard, to making the changes necessary, to enduring pain, all for the greater cause of the ultimate goal. And for me, it means planning meals, searching for recipes, shopping for groceries and supplements, and actually preparing the food, and cleaning up afterwards. And this is only ONE of the changes in my life that needs to be made.

Detox Day 1 was relatively successful. I drank 8 ounces of water with the juice of a half squeezed lemon in it to start the day and took my herbal supplement. I did not consume dairy products, using instead soy milk. When I finally read the label, I noticed that organic plain soy milk had cane sweeteners added. Today I will have rice milk with my steel cut oats and blueberries. I drank 6 glasses of water, but not 1 ounce for every 2 pounds of body weight. That would have required my putting a straw in a swimming pool and going for it.

And on top of admitting that I have to change and change is hard, this week my favorite dance show ended for the summer season. My television sorrows have driven me to poetry.

No more Tour de France
No more So You Think You Can Dance
No more Lance
Mal Chance

I think Mal Chance means "bad luck" in French. Of course, its been a while since I took French. Regardless, I think the reader can feel my television pain. One does not acquire the yellow jersey easily.

Detox Day 1

Adele: Adele moved into the nutrition wing of the house and brought two of her team with her. Nice women but very serious about health. I'm sure they are appalled at the state of my nutritional intake.

Delia Quigley and Christine Green are detox experts. Delia wrote The Complete Idiot's Guide to Detoxing Your Body and Christine wrote The 28 Day Plan Detox. Christine's book sells in America at JoAnn Fabrics in the $1.00 bin. If you have a 40% off coupon, you can pick up this small book for only 60 cents.

According to Delia and others, our organs work hard to filter out the junk we feed our bodies and the toxins we expose our bodies to not only in the foods we eat, but in our environment. Therefore, the part of my nutrition team who have arrived, strongly suggested detoxing as the beginning of my nutritional training. Just a note of caution. There are detox programs and there are detox programs. If you want to detox, hire a staff of experts as I have. Since the best experts are committed to my training program, you may have to purchase their books. Use your common sense. A three week detox program of eating only grapefruit and drinking only grapefruit juice is not going to provide proper nutrition. As I said, use your common sense.

Yesterday I went to my local grocery store and to my local health food store. I suggested to both Johan and Adele that we hire someone to shop and two or three people to cook for me. Request denied. This training program is getting tough. Shopping and preparing food? To inspire me I am watching a segment of the 2004 Tour rerun on Vs. that I taped in July. If the cyclists can make it to the top of the mountain, I can figure out the grocery store, the stove top, and the chopping board. I'm in training for Le Tour. I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

Week one of Delia's detox requires eliminating certain foods and replacing them with healthier choices, adding supplements, and drinking plenty of water. Some say you should have an ounce of water EVERY DAY for each 2 pounds of body weight. If that isn't motivation to lose weight, I'm not sure what is. There does seem to be some newer research that suggests all this isn't necessary. Therefore, I will aim toward the big goal, but will not worry if I come up a little short.

Water, supplements, good food. How hard could that be, right?

nutritional team hired.

Johan: I canceled my evening meeting with Johan yesterday and I promise to never do that again. At 9:56 this morning I realized I had an appointment 30 minutes away at 10:00. I need a race director. I will write that 100 times on the blackboard. I cannot manage without a race director. I changed my appointment until later today, but not before I experienced anger and self-loathing. Those things are what I need to get rid of in order to have a successful Tour de France.

Adele: Yesterday Johan and I hired a nutritionist. Actually we hired a nutritional team. The head of the team is Adele. As soon as I met her I knew she was perfect for me. What better way to pay homage to Adele Davis than have a nutritionist named Adele. Adele Davis was one of, if not the first, "health food nut". You say health food nut, I say health food aficionado. I read her books in the early 1970s and for a while followed her advice. In those days people loved to criticize her and anyone else that had an idea that wasn't popular in the 1950s. After she died, critics announced smugly, "see, she died". What idiots live on our planet. Proper nutrition does not prevent death, but it surely makes living easier.

Needless to say, Adele was not impressed with my nutritional intake. I love things smothered in cheese, butter, sour cream. I drink way too many soft drinks. I have never met a sugar molecule I didn't love. And chocolate....ahhhh. This does not in any way match my fantasy. In my fantasy, I make my own bread (by hand, not in a machine). I grow my own herbs and vegetables. I shop at the farmer's market. I am primarily a vegetarian. That is my fantasy. In reality i don't even cook. I don't even reheat well. I have attempted it a few times. Once I put pizza bites into the microwave. I read the directions which said to use a medium setting. By the time I walked from the counter to the micirowave, (not exactly a long walk) I had forgotten the instructions and put them on high. The pizza bites were removed from the plate with brute force. Once I heard the buzzer signaling the end of the baking, I hopped up off the couch, trotted into the kitchen, opened the oven door and noticed the oven was empty. I had remembered to set the timer, but forgot to put the food in the oven. Once I was roasting peanuts in a little toaster oven when I smelled smoke. I got to the kitchen the same time as my roommate's sister who helped me wheel the kitchen cart and the toaster oven out the back door so I could hose it off and put out the fire. I will never forget her frustrated sigh and her muttering the words "Oh, this kitchen" under her breath. You'd think she had never taken kitchen appliances into the back yard for dousing before. It still makes me smile. Once I was actually preparing something with a recipie. The instructions said to add "two clove garlic'. In my mind, clove was an adjective modifing garlic, like white garlic, new garlic, clove garlic. Never did I think it meant to add two cloves OF garlic. Trust me, two bulbs of garlic, clove or otherwise, is not the same as two cloves of garlic. I smelled like garlic for ever so long. There are more stories, but you get the point. I don't cook. Although in (some) of my fantasies, I do.

The point is, now I have Adele and her team of nutritionists working for me. We are adding a wing to the house just to accomodate the nutritionists. I can hear you saying now, I live in an apartment. How can I add a whole wing to an apartment. For you who, for whatever reason, choose not to add proper accomodations for a nutritional team and the ultimate kitchen, once again, you can consult your inner nutritionist. Of course, you may already have perfect nutrition. Right.

anger

Johan and I discussed another obstacle necessary to overcome on my way to Le Tour. 1) Anger 2) Anger 3) Anger. In my defense, i use anger to cover up pain. And I'm only angry when people are acting like idiots. Joahn says those are not good enough excuses and my anger will impede my progress.

The next staff to be hired will be a nutritionist. Proper nutrition is the starting point for health. Every cell in our bodies is a product of the food we eat. Thus, my cells are obviously sweet. And also fried, refried, and topped with butter and sour creme. Interviews will be today.

Review and Prepare

Johan and I met last night for our daily review and planning session. I managed to accomplish the major tasks that HAD to be completed yesterday. However, Johan and I identified two obstacles that will impede my progress toward my goal. One, is that I was running late to get to task #1 and I left the house without the paperwork I needed for task # 2. No surprise regarding the consequences, right? An extra trip back to the house, additional stress, and I did not have a chance to accomplish task #3. Solution? not too difficult. As Johan and I reviewed the next day's tasks to accomplish, I found the necessary paperwork. Of course, today is an easy day for which to plan. Nevertheless, Johan assures me that this is a necessary habit for any Tour de France contender. Therefore, I will commit to this habit. Review the upcoming day, and prepare for it. That Johan, what a task master.

The second issue is not as easy to resolve. Yesterday I woke up, but did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to WANT to get up, but I kept falling back asleep and promising myself that I would get up the next time I woke up. I lied to myself. Johan did not have an immediate solution to this issue. Is it related to depression? Probably. Is it a procrastination issue? Maybe. Is there a link between depression and procrastination? Yes.

Not even Johan can resolve this issue in the blink of an eye, or in cycling parlance, the turn of a wheel. If your inner race director needs more time to come up with a solution, that's fine. Resolve the smaller issues first. For me, its review tomorrow's obligations and tasks and gather whatever is necessary to have on hand, thus eliminating a source of stress.

You will be glad to know that the helicopter pad is installed. We hired a 3000 person crew from Extreeme Home Makeovers and they finished it in 22 minutes.

Race Director Hired

I now have a race director/general manager. His name is Johan and he is from Belgium.
The race director is as important as the riders. The race director sees the big picture and plans the strategy. He or she has to be focused and brilliant. Johan Bruyneel is currently the race director for team Astana and previously was the race director for team Discovery and before that team US Postal Service. Yes, he is the magician in the car behind the pelton talking to Lance and his teammates. NINE Tour de France wins. He is from Belgium. That's all I'm saying. I can see those wheels turning as you wonder if THE Johan Bruyneel is my race director. I'm not saying yes, and I'm not saying no. All I will say is that THE Johan Bruyneel obviously has some time on his hands for the upcoming year. After all, how hard could it be to race direct Lance Armstrong to another tour victory? Hey Lance, remember all those other years? Just do what you did then.

As for a metaphrorical Tour de France, a race director is the key. Every Sunday Johan will meet with me, right before I go to bed, and we will make a list of things that must be done the next week. Every night Monday - Saturday we will meet and review what needs to be done the next day, cross off things that got done, list the accomplishments and identify the obstacles of the day.

I have my list in front of me now.

Since Johan is busy and a world traveler, I am having a helicopter pad installed on the roof of my house. I go to bed at random times, so timing may be a challenge, but a race director's gotta do what a race director's gotta do. And no one is better than Johan.

Now some of you who may want to hire your own race director to help you change your life and train for your own metaphorical Tour, I can hear you now saying "I live in a place that doesn't allow helicopter pads". Well, that is too bad for you, you may have to go to Plan B. You could build a little house next to yours for your race director or convert the den into a tiny apartment for your race director. The important thing is just to have a race director; to make the list, review it daily, and commit to listening to your inner race director. I have Johnan, but eveyone has an inner race director.

Staffing Needs

If i am going to be, at least, in consideration for at least one person on the race committee of a very small race, I need to have staff. Yes, my ultimate goal is to win Le Tour, but I figure Lance will win in '10, so i'm creating an intermeditate goal. As I mentioned, I need many staff members and in some cases many teams of staff members. Since I have been without a job for a week, hiring staff will require much imagination. Luckily, I have much imagination. My favorite bumber sticker? Reality is for people with little imagination.

Curent Staffing Needs:
General Manager
Trainer
Nutritionist
Sports Psychologist
Domistique
Personal Assistant
Business Manager
Information Technology Guy
Publicist
Designer/Stylist
Team
Sponsor

And that's just to get things going.
My next major decsion is which one to hire first. Ah...... perhaps I will hire a general manager to make that decision for me.

48 Weeks to Go

August 1, 2009
I watched the Tour de France this year, as I have for the past several years, and as usual I was inspired by the efforts made by the riders. In fact, I have been so inspired, I have decided to begin training for my very own, metaphorical, Tour de France.

I have never put as much effort, either physical, mental, or emotional into anything as the riders in le Tour do. I watch and am amazed.

My life is a mess. I have no job. I am unorganized. I have a torn meniscus in my right knee and my left knee doesn't feel so great. My house is a mess. My car is filled with stuff from my former office, a folding lounge chair, two paintings and a framed print of dogs, two unassembled bookcases, books, 250 bottle caps, and a variety toys from fast food meals from children -- don't judge me, the toys are cute. People seem annoyed with me quite often. This is either all their fault (they don't understand me) or I am overly sensitive. Oh yes, I am depressed. And sometimes I have anxiety. Then there is that pesky anger issue I have from time to time. Oh yes, also the hoarding issue. Like I said, my life is a mess.

On the upside, I am not a heroin addict. Nor do i participate in blood doping. That should count for something.

With those stellar accomplishments, or lack of destructive habits, I am entering a training program for my very own metaphorical Tour de France. My first step is to hire the appropriate staff.