Livings in Ambiguity

It's wonderful to KNOW. However, most of the time,we have no idea. I am attempting to make peace with living in ambiguity. Expecially since I have no choice. There are things I just don't know. For instance, when will my knees get "better"? Will I need further surgery? Again, no one seems to know. Will I find a "sponsor"?. You know....those institutions who pay you for making appearances.....quite often Monday - Friday from 9:00 to 5:00. Will I get my writing skill back?.....the medication I'm taking seems to have dulled my verbal skills. Will I ever get my pictures hung on the wall?

In addition to complaining about my inabitiy to predict the future, I am back on my training schedule for the metaphorical tour de France. I am back at the gym and I am committing to 3 hours of some form of "deskwork" every day for 6 days. Since the entire dining room, including dining room table expanded with both leaves, and all chairs, a few snack tables have morphed into my "desk", I have some leeway regarding what counts as "deskwork". My real desk has a collapsed rolltop and at the moment is unuseable.

Rest of the house update: the laundry room has been cleared out and phase II is complete. Amazing.

Back to ambiguity. The lesson to be learned is to enjoy the day, in spite of not knowing. There really is no other choice.

Progress Report

Ah, no entries lately. I've been working on an incomplete in a class that is due by the end of this semester. It requires reading and writing....a lot of writing. We (mainly Rick) have been working on the laundry room and there is a good chance Phase II can be complete by the end of the weekend. Nutrition and Exercise......need to remotivate and start again. And in a few minutes I'm leaving to have both knees realigned. In the hospital overnight and back here on Tuesday, trying not to bend my knees but knowing I should. Ah, the travails of the metaphorical athlete.

messy

Yesterday I had a conversation with a young friend of mine who said that he thought that if he worked hard and did what he was "supposed to" then life would easy. He had been depresssed for a while and struggling with a major decision and no clear answer was in sight. I explained to him that it never works like that. Life is messy, but it is oh so rich. Life is sorta like a jamoca almond fudge ice cream cone. There is no way to participate without getting at least a little messsy. But it is Oh SO worth it.

Baby blanket

Ah, after 18 years, I finished Chelsea's baby blanket. Things were going fine until the bobbin thread started jambing up. I had to take the whole machine into the shop only to find out I had the presser foot down when I threaeded the needle. Duh. I brought the machine home and finished the blanket. Now, if I only knew what to do with it.

Ah, so little has happened in so much time.

One exciting thing is that my gym got new bicycles and they have nine settings including settings for rolling hills and Pikes Peak. The universe has decided to encourage my training.

I have pink eye. At least pink is my favorite color.

Up at 3:00 a.m.

I guess maybe I should consider adding insomnia to my list of issues.

Nevertheless, on the hoarding front, I have taken the pre-test and the post-test and the degree of my hoarding problem changed from Severe to Moderate. Obviously, if you were looking at my environment, I still have a bit of a clutter problem, but I have worked on it sucessfully. I painted the laundry room wall a second coat last night and now we are ready to put the shelves back against the wall and start tackling the mountains of stuff......specifically, Stuff to Wash and Camping and Outdoor gear, and I still have a few boxes to go through before we can tackle the organization of toys and tools. The big news is what HAS been accomplished. Trash out, things discarded, sorted, and washed.

For those of you without an imaginary staff and a sports psychology wing added to your house or apartment and with a hoarding problem, I recommend any of the following books by my staff.

• Overcoming Compulsive Hoarding (Neziroglu, Bubrick, Yaryara-Tobias, Perkins)
• Buried in Treasures (Tolin, Frost, Steketee)
• Compulsive Hoarding and Acquiring Workbook (Steketee, Frost)
• Compulsive Hoarding and Acquiring Therapist Guide (Stekett, Frost)

Of course, it is better to have the team living in a wing of your house, on call 24-7, but if you can't arrange that, the books are an adequate substitute.

Another day, another declutter

I've been de-cluttering the laundry room, and by laundry room I mean basement room almost the half the size of the house. I actually had a real person, as opposed to my imaginary staff, help me. Rick and I spent time for the past three days re-piling and tossing things out. And I only pulled one thing back out of the trash. So now we have a mountain of clothes and blankets to wash, a mountain of toys and camping gear and a corner we can't get to quite yet because toy and camping gear mountain are blocking access. We've sorted, tossed and washed and we even painted part of one wall. After the second coat, and cleaning off a set of metal shelves, we will be ready for the camping gear to find a permanent home. We are washing an extra load every day, hoping to lower the elevation of Things To Wash Mountain. That will leave us with Toy Mountain and a few other odds and ends to wrap up Phase II. Phase I has been done for several years, but no additional progress has been made until this past weekend. For anyone with hoarding issues, progress can be made.

Just like a real athlete

I feel just like a real athlete. I have to have knee surgery. All the real athletes have surgeries. They get theirs from working too hard, mine is that my knee and leg bone are not aligned properly....or something like that. I saw the x-rays.

Chef Ricardo made up the best dinner last night. Whereas I just add onions to EVERYTHING and call it a made up dish, he actually came up with a winner. He stir-fried broccoli, then steamed it, mixed it with olive oil, sauteed onion, whole wheat pasta, and no fat feta cheese. Ummm Ummm Good. It's the only time I have wanted more broccoli in my entire life.

Once I was going to cook something and the recipe said to saute it. I didn't know what that was and there was no glossary in the cookbook, so I put the cookbook away and probably haven't opened it since. I do know how to saute nowthough.

Mountain Training

Back on the bike today. In addtion to regular training, I added strenght training on the bike, just climbing up those mountains....ok, small inclines (level one) but it's a start.

Hoarding (continued)

Before I get to Le Tour, I have to make progress regarding stopping the hoarding. Treatment for hording includes 3 parts:
1.) organizing
2.) reducing clutter
3.) limiting acquiring
There are a ton of reasons that people who hoard have such a challenge organizing, reducing clutter, and limiting acquiring. Right now I am working on organizing things and reducing the clutter. For some magic reason, I am better able to discard things than before. Of course, I still save too much, but I'm planning to organize what is left, and then limit my acquiring. So far, having a little trouble with #3.

One of the things I bought Sunday was a print of an anthropomorphized dog, in a pool, getting 5 baby ducks in a row. It was meant to inspire me, both to get my ducks in a row, and to remember the futility of attempting to maintain ducks in a row. I went to get a frame today, but of course, the print was matted into a 14 x16 inch mat, which is no where near a standard size. So, I have to get it custom framed. The frame is going to cost more than the print. Probably not the best move.

P.S. Hoar is not a nickname for Hoarder.

Tour de France

I just watched (again) the last stage of the Tour that I had taped. It is amazing how those cyclists work as a team and put forth the effort to do what they do. I'm so inspired.



I am grateful for being blessed with my friends and my family and the concept of hope.



I bought a little book of quotes yesterday when I felt that I was experiencing a second chance, A New Leash on Life which of course has pictures of dogs and quotes......two of my favorite things. The following are from that book.



COURAGE: You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I have lived through this horror. I can take the next things that cones along. Eleanor Roosevelt



FRIENDSHIP: By friendship you mean that greatest love, the greatest usefulness, the most open communication, the noblest sufferings, the severest truth, the heartiest counsel and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable. Jeremy Taylor



GIFT: Live your life while you have it. Life is a splendid gift -- there is nothing small about it. Florence Nightingale



TO MY FRIENDS: if I planted a flower every time I thought of you I could walk in my garden forever. Author Unknown



AND LASTLY: Don't go through life, grow through life. Eric Butterworth.

I heart my heart

A couple of weeks ago during the "these and those" things that caused me not to blog for a couple of weeks, I had a fair amount of stress. During one of the most stressful times, I had an EKG. Later I found out that the EKG showed that one of the parts of my heart was not getting blood and apparently I had had at least one heart attack. News to me. Today, I spent SEVEN hours at teh cardiologist's office, seeing the doctor, getting a stress test, and getting an echocardiogram. SEVEN hours. Everything went well except it was sort of difficult to limp while walking really fast......the knee is still a problem. However, it was worth a seven hour wait to get the final diagnosis. I do not have heart problems and the anomoly in the EKG was caused by stress. Good old every day, garden variety stress. Now I wish I would have gotten the sausage gravy and busicuit at Tamarack.

I had a stress test about 10 years ago and during the break for lunch between scans, I went to a local restaurant and ran into a friend who told me that when she had her stress test, she was having a hard time keeping up with the pace of the treadmill. All of a sudden she realized that they probably had it set for a younger woman. She had lied so often about her age, she had no idea what records at that particular hospital had recorded for her age. She was concerned that the they were going to kill her, thinking she was so much younger than she really was. At least the age in the obituaty would have been flattering.

Aren't people wonderful?

Teeny tiny reunion and Progress Report

Over this past weekend, I have visited with 4 of my friends from the West Side of Charleston and shot a pistol. I wasn't even deer hunting. Perhaps I will write a book called target shooting in the dark and in the rain off a back porch in Greenbrier County with Buddha. All I can say is that flagpole stand isn't going to bother anyone anymore.

The newest of these friendships is a 40 year old friendship and the oldest is a 50 year friendship. Good stuff. Good stuff and funny stuff. It's good for me to take time out to laugh.

Progress Report: There has been some! One of the tools I have learned about by being taught by the teams who writes the series of workbooks I have, is about recognizing the early signs of depression. One of mine is sleeping. I think I have mentioned before that it is my drug of choice. Other drugs of choice have included extreme television viewing and extreme dog. Household dogs now total seven and you are not even considered an animal hoarder until you reach 20 pets so I still consider myself at the far end of reasonableness. As a matter of fact, I think I am past reasonable and barely holding on to the line that divides the reasonableness from unreasonableness. You will be happy to know that I no longer desire dogs as drugs. Now my drug is sleep. When I start to get depressed and I start to think about things that deserve my deepest most attentive thoughts, YAWN......Its off to nap time. Sleep is a very effective and convenient, and inexpensive drug, and best of all, it doesn't require trips to the vet, nor does it shed hair on everything. And, if I get caught red-handed, in the middle of a sleep induced haze of reality avoidance I do not have to hire an attorney and since no one thinks of oversleeping as an addiction, no long trips to the Betty Ford Center. Of course, there are no celebrity sitings but then, everything has a trade-off.

The point is, and there is one, thanks to the work I've been doing, I recognized my yearning to nap as an early symptom of depression and I was so excited that my early depression symptoms abated. Of course, getting an extra nap is rarely a bad thing.

On my way to visit two of the four this weekend, I passed a sign announcing that I was on a "Technology Corridor". To my eyes, I was on a highway that was surrounded by tree covered hills. Lots of them, and one cell tower. I'm not sure if I was missing most of the technology or I was witnessing the super positive spin of a super optimist.

Either way, the tree covered hills reminded me of a story our white water rafting guide told us. He told us that he was taking a California woman on the river who was highly educated and working on a PhD. Her studies were obviously not in geography, geology, or anything that explained hills or mountains. For those without degress in geograhy, geology, anything to do with hills or mountaings and who are entirely devoid of common sense, remember that water, over time, will find the path of least resistance and form a river which is at the edge of, surprise!, a mountain to the left and a mountain to the right. Picture this scene. The woman from California asked the guide why the trees "in the back" were so much taller than the trees in front, along the river. Our guide promised that this is a true story.

Friends and Laughter

I'm still pondering my goals, but in the meantime, I took the opportunity to forget all about goals and working and improving my sorry self and shared meals with friends. Lunch was an impromptu occasion over legendary hot dogs on Charleston's West Side. Dinner was planned and was a substitute for seeing the new Taking Woodstock movie, which apparently did not appeal to enough people, because when I opened the paper to check the time, IT HAD MOVED ON. How rude, not to wait for Joanna and I to relive the days of our youth.

As our Plan B I picked up BBQ chicken from Jen's Southern Barbecue in Institute. So very good. I even bought a t-shirt from Jen's for $5.00. As usual, Joanna has the best music and we drowned our sorrow over missing the movie in food and music. Not a bad plan B. I was attempting to tell her a story which took, I kid you not, the entire 3.5 hours I was there. Sometimes you just need someone to listen to your story. I have 4 North Carolina ears that listen when I need to talk and yesterday I either talked to a listener or listened and laughed. I love people who can make me laugh and I am fortunate that I have had those people in my life.

One of the reasons it took so long to get the story out is that we took a lot of verbal side trips. On one such occasion we were discussing religion and how that far far far right developed. I said that "they" created divisiveness by suggesting that the world was divided into the godly and the godless.....or as Joanna would say.....the goddessly and the goddessless. Of course, one wanted to be associated with the group that would allow you to end up in a pearly gated community and golden streets, not the mention the many mansions. (Who do you think cleans those mansions? Do people get transferred from hell to clean for those in heaven?) So, the righteous became more righteous and pedantic and less exposed to other ideas, or even ideas rather than a simple emotional reaction. And our American competitiveness comes into play with even this issue, as people take christianity to the next level. And the next level, is not love, peace, joy, and service to others; the next level is competition. And the most brilliant thought crossed my mind. Lets have a reality show for fundamental christians and call it Holier Than Thou. [The lower case C is not a typographic mistake. It is a typocgraphic statement. I differentiate between Christians and christians]

The Ultimate Goal

I still have to figure out what "winning" the metaphorical Tour De France would be. What goals should I put in front of me? I suppose the ultimate goal is to live my life as my authentic self. As lofty as that sounds, that is not a very well described goal. Goals have to be measurable. You have to know exactly what you want or else you have no clue when or if you achieve it or even if you are close to achieving it.

Besides, I'm not even sure what living my life as my "authentic self" means. One assumes that the authentic self includes primarily the better part of one's personality. Or, does it mean that I should continue to be my authentic self but just find people to hang out with who enjoy the challenge of me at my more difficult times. And how do you find such people. Wanted: friends for well meaning but high maintenance woman. Must like chocolate and dogs (separately, not together) and have own car.

If my goal in life is for things to be "better" does this mean I am supposed to be better, or is the world around me supposed to be better?

I do think my goals have been too vague. For years I have wanted to be more physically fit, more organized, and to be able to "find time for creative projects". If complaining about things worked, our entire planet would be living in sheer bliss. So wanting to be "more" and to have "more" have not actually caused me to achieve these goals. I rode the bike today, so I am more fit than yesterday, so have I reached my goal? I know where my keys are. Since I am more organized than the days that I lose my keys, have I achieved goal number 2? And where does one look for additional time? I have 24 hours a day, the same as everyone else. If I want to do creative projects, I must do them within that 24 hour a day, seven day a week inventory of time.

Note to self: If you ever find "extra" time, remember not to tell anyone. It's the kind of conversation people walk away from, carefully, slowly, and backwards.

Quote that I like: "People often say that this or that person has not yet found themselves, but the self is not something that one finds. It is something one creates. Thomas Szasz

So, if we are creating ourselves, who shall we create?

Setting Goals

For all you following my bicycling drama, I am now pedaling at a level two. Sven is pushing me and I just know that Team Radio Shack is gonna love me.

You remember that I had a sports psychology wing added to my house. The level of need in the area of psychology, sports and otherwise, resulted in the wing being a little larger than the largest superstore. One of the teams that has taken up residence is a team with expertise in bi-polar disorder. There are five of them on the team: Bauer, Kilbourne, Greenwald, Ludman, and McBride. I get them confused at times but they are starting to teach me some motivating ideas. If I win the yellow jersey, I'll have to remember them in my acceptance speech. I know Le Tour De France for those people who insist on reality do not allow acceptance speeches, but in my metaphorical tour, acceptance speeches are not only given, they are given in really pretty, long, fancy dresses and televised during prime time. Sort of like the Oscars. Which reminds me, I need to hire a host, for when I win, I mean, [I lower my eyes modestly] in case I win.

My team that I referenced above, wrote a book, in case you are interested and since they can't live with you since they are all living with me. Overcoming Bipolar Disorder: A Comprehensive Workbook for Managing Your Symptoms and Achieving Your Life Goals.

A long introduction to get to today's topic, Goals. When I say just the word GOAL in my mind, I always hear that soccer announcer (football announcer to my international readers) who yelled a very distinct and long sustained g - o - a- l each time the ball went into the net. Today's topic is not that kind of goal.

The team and I were sitting around talking, drinking sports drinks and eating power bars and they said:
"Goals are what make life worth living. These goals are determined by all the things that make us uniquely human -- our personalities, our experience, or inclination, our desires, and the like. Somewhere along the way, we've developed a set of values and priorities by which we live our lives. We might consider that goals are the ends that we strive for (the 'whats' in life), while values are the reasons that we have chosen those goals (the 'whys' in life)."

My first reaction to "goals are what make life worth living" was skepticism. I thought of some of my goals, in particular, bicycling 1000 miles by the end of January in order to earn a spot on a metaphorical bicycling team. (Team Radio Shack is my team of choice, except that George Hincapie is going to be on a different team, one that is being built around him, and I LOVE George Hincapie) In order to chose the team, I am going to see which metaphorical team offers me the best deal and decide based solely on financial and merchandising reasons. I'm telling the world now, if any team offers to produce a Pam Steelhammer Bobble Head Doll, I am IN. No question about it.

So, I'm thinking, riding 1000 miles on a stationary bike is NOT something that makes my life worth living. But when I stayed with that thought a little longer, my mind began to understand what the team had been talking about.

Q: Why did I set a goal to ride 1000 miles?
A: To be a member of a world class metaphorical bicycling team.

Q: Why join a metaphorical team?
A: To ride in and win the metaphorical Tour de France

Q: Why?
A: To work really hard at something that is important to me. To get my life back together. To be able to live my best life. To fulfill my purpose in life. To be of service. To be happy. To love unconditionally. To experience freedom. To feel joy.

As Lance said, it's not about the bike. It's not about the 1000 miles (real, not metaphorical). It's about the things listed under the last "why?".

My goal is making my life worth living.

physically fit

The tour de france, even a metaphorical one, requires physical fitness. My imaginary personal trainer, Sven, and I have been spending a fair amount of time together in the fitness wing of my house. If I were to describe the fitness wing to you you would swear that it sounds just like Nautilis in Cross Lanes. It may sound the same, but the Nautilis Center in Cross Lanes does not have an apartment for Sven to live in so he can be with me all the time to motivate me to get in shape. (A shape other than round)

Well today, I thought that since I had some time between appointments, I would slip into the Kanawha City Nautilis and do a workout there. Well, do they have some rules or what. I was wearing flip flops and was told that i could not use the machines while I was wearing flip flops. I asked if they were afraid I would drop something on my toes. The explanation was that someone might step on my toe and/or toes.

I was incredulous. I'm wondering how drunk the patrons of that gym must be to start staggering over and stepping on toes. Not that it doesn't happen. Once in a club someone danced on my little toe and broke it, but it was a club and a lot of people were in a variety of altered states. Once a friend told me he was going to the doctor because his toe hurt when he danced and he was afraid he broke it. Since it was one of the smaller toes, I told him there was nothing to be done to the toe and if it hurt when he danced, he should not dance on it.

What do you think? Do you think he took my advice? No. He went to the doctor who said there was nothing to do for a small broken toe and if it hurt when he danced on it, just not to dance on it. I have never let him forget the time he paid for the very same advice I gave him for free. Although in his defense, ususally my free advice is worth exactly the price paid for it.

paper diposal update

Rick got rid of the paper by building a little bonfire at the cul de sac. He pointed out that burning in daylight is not legal unless it is burning season. As far as I am concerned there are four seasons, and not one of them is Burning Season. How are you supposed to know all these rules? I'll probably have the fire police on my doorstep like those idiots who told the world on Dr. Phil about their illegal activities. How low are the ratings for Dr. Phil anyway? How far they fall. I knew Dr. Phil had lost some of his cache when I saw vitamins for sale with his picture on them. When I first glanced at them, I thought they were a supplement for bald people. Then it wasn't much longer and his wife's book was on the clearance rack. Not a good sign.

Anyway, dear readers, you are probably saying what an idiot I am to announce to the world that I have broken burning laws. Ah ha! Not to worry. My blog only has 3 readers. So if I end up incarcerated over this, I have the field narrowed down on who turned me in.

Rick also pointed out that there was way too much paper to burn in the sink. He said it reminded him of when I wanted to get rid of an old couch with a chain saw. I still think we could have cut it up and put it in the trash, a little bit at a time, every week. Power tools rock.

shredders

I should have bought the shredder when it was on sale. I have a bunch of papers that for some reason, I think should be shredded. Shredding is a relatively new idea. Just one more thing to buy and to do. Because someone might want to be us. People used to be content to be themselves, or just dress up like someone else on Halloween. Now they want to be someone else so they can spend someone else's money. Sigh, and this is progress.

Back to my document disposal conundrum. Since I did not buy the shredder when it was on sale, I decided that the best way to render my papers indecipherable would be to burn them. I imagined a small, steady fire in the sink. If there was a problem, the faucet was right there. The first problem was that the papers would not catch on fire. The best I could get was charred around the edges. I solved this problem by holding a match in the middle of the page until it started to burn. So far, so good. Then whoosh, the dancing flames were going toward the dishcloth, toward the plastic pot scrubber, and the rubber sink stopper. Only a small problem since the water faucet was right there. Nevertheless, it was time for plan B.

Plan B was to take the papers outside and burn them. I took a sample pack to see how it would work, extra matches and a gallon of water. Long story short, I did not anticipate the effects of a slight breeze. Nor the little voice in side my head saying, you don't suppose the fire could ignite anything that would be on the concrete, left behind by a vehicle turning into our driveway? Before the voice in my head had a definitive answer, I decided to let a more experienced incindery artist take over. Rick, thanks for volunteering. Kids, don't try this at home.

The Yellow Jersey is Mine!!

Forty Five Point Five hours of house hold tasks in 7 days. I didn't get much else accomplished, but I do have results that attest to my diligence. Both back bedrooms ready for company. The bear den (my craft room) actually a craft room, the hallway passable (as in "able to pass by"), the living room presentable, and bedroom better than before, and desk work started.

But as I mentioned, the yellow jersey in Le Tour de France requires a lot more than just organization. It's a whole balance of the things that sustain life and give us the ability to thrive.

It feels good to win and I assume everyone would rather be considered a winner rather than a loser. Part of the problem with that last statement is labeling. Just as winning one thing does not make you a winner for everything in life, not winning does not even come close to making someone a loser. Sometimes the better part of wisdom is to not even go for the all out "win". Sometimes the trade-off is not worth it. Sure, I won the Tour de Missouri, but in doing so, I neglected everything but my daily trip to the gym. Not really a good trade-off. Nevertheless, I won, and I paid a price.

Focus of the week ahead: nutrition and my depression workbooks. By the way, the workbooks help you get rid of depression, they are not guides for how to become depressed.

Almost finished

Ninety minutes away from winning the entire metaphorical tour.

Rest Day

I havae declared today a rest day. I love making up my own rules.

Winner of 5 stages!

I have kept to my schedule, and I just finished 7.5 hours of organization. It's getting harder and I'm running out of good ideas of what to do next. This is the part that arouses anxiety. Know what is the easiest way to deal with anxiety? Simply do not do what makes you anxious. If the guilt bothers you, use drugs and alcohol. Without a doubt, that is the easiest way, but as Rhett Miller penned in the Old 97s latest album, "the easy way gets harder all the time". The problem with drugs and alcohol, besides all those empty calories, is that when one becomes sober again, the problem which caused the anxiety has not been resolved and is still dangling in front of you mocking both your hangover and your cowardice. Anxiety is not always our friend. The problem with not doing it, besides the aforementioned continual dangling and mocking, is that avoiding means anxiety won. And, my friend, if anxiety won, guess who lost? Just as winning 5 stages of the metaphorical tour de Missouri, makes me a stronger metaphorical cyclist, winning makes anxiety stronger.

Anxiety is like a bully. The only way to win is to call its evil little bluff and DO the thing that creates such anxiety. (Unless it's something stupid like taking physical risks and then you should always listen to your mother and DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT). Seriously, you have to stand up to it, and give it the evil eye, and get an annoyed and disgusted look on your face and push it aside. I suggest practicing in a mirror for the appropriate look. Also I guarantee, that once, pushed aside, it takes a while for anxiety to recover. It never fights back immediately. The best thing, is that once you've defeated it once, both of you know who has that capability to be stronger. You just can't forget that. Be ruthless.

And speaking of ruthless. During our freshman year, Arlene and I had an English professor named Ruth Knegy. One day she didn't make it to class. We waited the requisite 20 minutes (for a full professor) and she didn't show up. Afterward, Arlene explained that we were ruthless. Oh well, it was funny at the time; I guess you had to be there.

Stage 4. I'm tired.

I'm so tired, I'm getting the stages mixed up. Today, I finished and won Stage 4. Six point five hours of organizing and cleaning my house. I'm tired and I'm not sure what to do next for tomorrow's 7 1/2 hours. But this is the point of doing the tour. I am tired and it would be very easy for me to say, I've done a lot, now, let me rest. It would be especially easy because the metaphorical tour is not televised, not even on local access. I only have two followers and both know me well and know that it is more likely that I quit than go on. Then I remember why I wanted to do this. I wanted to put as much effort into something that the cyclists do during a tour. Effort is tiring. And often not as much fun as not making the effort. Effort brings results. I have three more days in the tour. One day at a time.

One thing not to forget is that my metaphorical tour is not just about the bike or about organizing. It's about getting healthy, getting rid of depression and anxiety, and developing a creative outlet. It's about a balance of things. As soon as this tour de Missouri is over, I'm heading back toward balance.

Stage 2 and drugs of choice

As Mark Cavendish sprinted to the end of the race for first place two days in a row, so did I. Four and a half hours of sorting, tossing, and organizing.

Sorting and being expected to get rid of things is VERY difficult for hoarders. So many items have a story, a connection, a perceived value. Reducing the anxiety enough to let go of things takes time, patience, and determination. Can you imagine how many times I have heard "If you would just clean it up, and then keep it clean". To paraphrase my friend since 7th grade, Becky, If I could have organized it, and kept it straightened it up, I would have done it years ago and saved us all this trouble. Becky was dating two guys, David and Rock, which caused some drama from time to time. One night, David showed up at Becky's when Rock was there. In frustration and exasperation, he said, "Becky, can't you just make a decision and pick one of us?" She looked him straight in the eye, narrowed hers, and retorted, just as exasperated, "David, if I could have decided, I would have decided years ago and saved us all this trouble."

Drug of choice: Everyone I know has a drug of choice. Something to allow us to escape when we get stressed. Most of us do not opt for the illegal stuff, but we do "use" just as desperately as an addict. Our drugs of choice are "free" in terms of cash but can be costly in terms of time. I often use television as my drug of choice. And sleep. As soon as I start thinking about a difficult situation or decision to make, I immediately get sleepy. A two hour nap, and I have so forgotten whatever was causing me stress. However, just like the situation faced by the conventional addict, even after I've watched all the episodes of House or Judging Amy, or awakened from any number of naps, the problems are still there. It's much better to solve them now, rather than procrastinate, but then, "If I could have solved them, I would have solved them years ago and saved all this trouble."

P.S. Becky married Bob, not David or Rock.

The Podium, Finally!

I finally made it to the podium. Stage Win for Day One. 2 hours in Nick's bedroom, 30 minutes of deskwork, 30 minutes working on the bedroom (clearing off my desk) , and 30 minutes in the living room (clearing off my desk and emptying 3 boxes. No jokes, no explanations, no story today. It's time to start Stage 2 which consists of 2.5 hours in Nick's room, and 40 minutes each for deskwork, bedroom, and living room.

Tour de Missouri: Day 1

Some of you who follow ALL the news may think, What is she talking about? The Tour of Missouri started last week. Well, as far as I'm concerned, until I watch what I taped from the television, it does not exist. I intend to watch stage 1 today. And how convenient, it also occurs at the same time as my metaphorical Tour of Missouri. One of my issues appears to be that I am a hoarder. This is a subset of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and not just being a lazy slob. I have no doubt that I am also a lazy slob, but the hoarding apparently has a component that can be found in the DSM IV. The only difference in having OCD- Hoarding and being a lazy slob is that there are additional steps involved in de-cluttering if you have OCD. Medication is not prescribed and you still have to clean up. It's just 100 times harder for the hoarder than the non-hoarder and sometimes there are tears. Keep that in mind while reading the criteria for my metaphorical Tour. Two hours of de-cluttering in the back bedroom = finishing the stage. Thirty minutes of one, two, or three of the following rooms or project translates to a podium finish: Deskwork (i have years of unopened mail sitting around), the living room, the bedroom.

Out of sorts

Ok, today, I am out of sorts. Please, send sorts. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha. I need to report on my metaphorical Tour of Ireland. I had assigned myself some tasks to do and if I finished them, that was going to count for metaphorically finishing the Tour. Well, I didn't do them, because of the previously mentioned distractions of This and That. I was mentally telling myself what a lazy idiot I was and guess what? Lance did not finish that last day of the Tour of Ireland.

I was talking to Johann. If you don't have the chance to routinely talk to Johann, you could read his book, We Might As Well Win. Johann Bruyneel is a very competitive person. He wins often, but even he cannot win all the time. He explained to me, "I had to not only accept the idea of losing, but find ways to appreciate it -- so I could learn from it as much as I had from my victories." Losing, or in my case, not accomplishing all the tasks I want to accomplish is part of life. Johann advises me to "Find a victory in every loss"

I tend to be very hard on myself. I expect a lot of myself and when I "fail" at something, I can easily go into an emotional tailspin. This is behavior that is quite worthless and even dangerous. I realize that, yet I still focus on the list of things yet to do, rather than the list of things completed. I'll never win the Tour de France this way. Therefore, I will change my thoughts. After decades of self-flagellation, how difficult could it be to change all that and welcome failures and mistakes as a chance to learn. Simple, huh?

A metaphorical yellow jersey

Now that I am back in training for Le Tour, the question does flit across my mind from time to time, What will determine the level of success I have in Le Tour, or even if I have trained enough to make the team. The point of the metaphorical tour was to work as hard on my "issues" as the cyclists do during Le Tour. So what are the benchmarks? In order to walk away with the yellow jersey, does my life have to be perfect? What is yellow jersey worthy? Losing 50 pounds? Getting the entire house organized? Getting half the house organized? Overcoming depression? Overcoming depression, getting the house organized, and losing 50 pounds? It gets a little complicated and I have not yet found the answer. If Lance wins the yellow, what do I have to do to win the green jersey? The trick about the Tour is that you wouldn't have to be very good, as long as no one else was very good. With all these options, I am announcing the criteria for making the metaphorical Team Radio Shack. When I bicycle, on a stationary bike, 1000 miles, I will qualify for the metaphorical team. 1000 miles for an overweight, middle aged, woman with high blood pressure? How hard could it be?

Training Obstacles

The whole point to imagining a metaphorical Tour de France was to overcome some of the obstacles that had been holding me back from, as Oprah says, "living my best life". My list of obstacles is a long one. And they all have to do with me. Now there is also a list of things that are "THEIR" fault. If only they...... If only I had...... If only he would..... If only she wouldn't....... If only..... Well, readers, please don't tell THEM, but that list is completely irrelevant to my happiness, my contentment with my life, or the level of satisfaction I experience. Trust me, I've tried blaming everything on "them" at one time or another and even the times when "their" contribution to my situation was, by any reasonable standard, mean, hateful, and/or unfair, blaming "them" or the situations I find myself in, even if accurate, did not help me to feel better. Anything that changes has to be either me, my thoughts, and/or my actions. Believe me, I've tried changing the rest of the world. It has yet to happen. That leaves me to change. And change I will.

One of my most pressing (or de-pressing) problems is depression. I have had periods of depression probably all my life. I blamed those times on the situation. After a couple of decades of this, I was treated for depression and began medication. I still got depressed at times, but i came out of it. I had long periods of feeling good. I have always been able to find a bit of humor or irony even at the lowest of points, so I never considered myself a depressed person. I simply was taking medication to prevent a real depression. Sort of like, one expects recessions as part of the ups and downs of the economy, but a real depression needs to be fixed immediately, or else the depression gets worse and more people lose jobs and spend less, which causes more people to lose jobs and to spend less....and so on down that spiral.

One of the people on my sports psychologist team, the team that lives in the Super-Walmart size new wing of my house, the wing that is so much larger than the original house and the wings for the physical training staff, the nutritional staff, and the helicopter pad for Johann, is Randy J. Patterson. If you can't get him to move into a wing of your house, you could buy his book "Your Depression Map".

One of the things I learned from Randy J., as I call him, is that depression can be lifted. I always assumed that I was not a depressed person, I simply had a chemical imbalance which required medication to replace those chemicals so that I would not experience a 1930's style depression. He said that depression changes the chemicals in your brain, as well as chemicals, or lack of certain ones, cause depression. He explained it this way: When you have a cold, you have a runny nose as a symptom. However, the runny nose does not make the cold worse, even though it may feel that way. Pretty much the conventional wisdom is that a cold last 7 days if you treat it and a week if you don't. Depression is another animal. The symptoms of depression actually make the depression worse. You remember all the idiot things you have done and all the things you should have done but didn't and you feel bad. Feeling bad makes the depression worse. As the depression deepens more of those idiot things and unfinished things race through your mind, on a seemingly never ending loop. This makes the depression worse, and the spiral downward continues. You get the picture.

What R.J. (sometimes I call him R.J) told me I had to do was to reverse the spiral. As I sat wondering if we could hire Superman to reverse the downward spiral as he has reversed the rotation of the world so many times to help others, RJ-Man (sometimes I call him RJ-Man) explained. To reverse the spiral, you have to start in small steps. Since part of my depression was not getting done the things that needed to be done, I made a list of two simple things that I thought I could get done the next day. Since the things were simple and I am not always an idiot, I got them done, and what do you know, I felt a little better. When I say simple I mean simple. Simple as in 1.) find a stamp 2) mail the envelope. This only works if you KNOW where the envelope is. Finding both the stamp, and the item to mail would have been too much. Seriously.

This is where having your own race director is beneficial. Each night, Johann and I go over the list of what has to be done tomorrow. Prior to learning from the RJ-Meister (sometimesI call him RJ-Meister), I could have won a Pulitzer Prize for writing the world's longest to-do lists. Now I have a master list of things to do so I won't forget them, but my daily list is much smaller. Much smaller causes less stress and is more likely to get done. Getting things done makes me feel good. Feeling good, at least most of the time, is a way for me to live my best life and the point of training for my metaphysical Tour de France.

Training Resumed

My most sincere apologies for not being with you for such a long time. First THIS happened and then THAT happened and on top of everything else, I had no computer. Let me explain. Our household technically has three computers. One desktop and two laptops. The desktop totally fried and I was getting it repaired by my new computer guru who is also the younger brother of my friend Stephanie. Since two other laptops existed, there was no rush on the desktop computer. Alas, my favorite, (and only), daughter fell into her laptop in the dark. Don't ask, she is of that age without a fully developed prefrontal cortex. (Under 25). The arrangements for this rather expensive repair were that Dell would send a box and we would simply return the laptop in the box and hope that it was returned to our happy home before my favorite daughter went off to college. Wouldn't you know it, we didn't notice the box until a day or so after it arrived, which made it a little damp from the humidity caused by rain, even though it was under the roof of our front porch. As we were letting the box dry totally, one of our seven dogs ATE THE RETURN LABEL. Well YOU try to get a duplicate return label from a huge international corporation. Let me tell you, it ain't for the frail or feint of heart. I ought to know because I read my husband's newspaper column about how difficult it was. Since the drama of the I-will-eat-anything-I-can-find dog destroyed all hope of a speedy return of the college bound laptop, I offered my laptop as a temporary substitute. Therefore, this household had zero computers. I got the desktop back from the computer guru who looked at me and said, "all you have to do is load your programs from the original disks" I looked at him and replied, "you don't know me very well, do you?" So, he took the couputer back and loaded windows. Like I would have ANY idea where disks were that came with the computer in 2003. The computer stayed in my car for a week until I had the time and the inclination to clean and declutter the computer desk so that I could hook everything back up. Did that over the Labor Day weekend. Get it? LABOR day, I was working. This morning I managed to find the Office disks AND the 25-digit Product Key number and reconnect to the internet and Ta Da.......here we are.

You will be pleased to know that I was deterred from training from my metaphorical Tour de France only during the time that THIS and THAT occured and not the entire time I was computerless. Johann and I are working diligently, as are my staff of dozens. We have had to add on an entire addtion to the house the approximate size of a Walmart superstore to house the sports psychology team, but Johann and I are serious about Le Tour.

Sports Psychologist

I hope my absence from the blogosphere yesterday did not disappoint my two followers. The situation is such that my training, and reporting on such may be interrupted due to a serious family illness that will require most all of my attention and emotional energy in the upcoming days or weeks.

You will be relieved to know that we have hired dozens of sports psychologists to deal with my issues of depression, anxiety, anger, motivation, and hoarding, which is a subset of obsessive compulsive disorder. The wing housing the sports psychologist staff is larger than the original house. In fact, we had to purchase a lot beside the house and one behind the house to have enough room for such a large staff. Wish them luck.

It's all Joanna's fault

I planned to get back home tonight and write something amazing. However, I've been at Joanna's all afternoon and evening traveling back through the 50s, 6o's and 70's. The 80's and 9o's not so much. Having a wonderful time.......

46 more weeks

Today is the 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Festival of Music and Arts. I intend to watch the movie again, keep a candle lit, wear a tie-dye shirt, and finish reading Back to the Garden Peace, Love, and Rock and Roll.

Metaphorical Leadville 100

The Leadville 100 is a bike race in Colorado that Lance is racing in tomorrow. Not to sound too competitive but I have finished my metaphorical Leadville 100 a day BEFORE Lance's ride. I do think he has a better shot at the yellow jersey in 2010; all I'm saying is that regarding the Leadville 100, both real and metaphorical, I finished first.

To create my metaphorical Leadville 100, I had to come up with something difficult, but not as difficult as the 2500 mile Tour de France. For 50 minutes (half of 100) I perused an actual cookbook. I used The New Moosewood Cookbook by Mollie Kagzen. All vegetarian. I looked for recipies without wheat, dairy, or sugar. I also made a grocery list so I can prepare Gazpacho. This may not seem like a Leadville 100 worthy eventl, but keep in mind, that my cooking is limited to oatmeal and scrambled eggs. So thinking about making gazpacho is a big deal. I did make gazpacho once over 25 years ago. I served it to guests but I had not taken it out of the freezer in time, and so it was rather crunchy. Crunchy is not so great when it's a characteristic of a soup.

Anyway, I finished the Leadville 100. A solid 50 minutes with no distrations. I'm now waiting for confirmation that I did not use illegal means to enhance my performance.....followed by the podium ceremony, and then of course, the media interviews.

More Truth: Hoarding

I watched a program on TV last night about people who were hoarders. Too close to home for me to enjoy. Which leads to yet another issue im my life that needs to be addressed. My clutter. Much of my life looks as if someone dumped the world's largest purse around me. I'm sorta like the Pigpen character in the Peanuts Comic Strip. Wherever I am, my stuff surrounds me. I mean to do better but I have a little bit of that hoarding thing, and a little bit of that OCD thing, and a whole lotta stuff. I know I'm supposed to throw it all away. Instead I promise I will organize it and when I try it's a rather daunting task.

It may be time to add a new wing to the house and fill it with organizational consultants. I'll look into it.

the truth about nutrition

The first truth is that I don't cook and I don't like to cook. I don't like to do things that are difficult. i want results immediately and easily. I have a short attention span and I really need someone to remind me to do what I promised myself to do or I need to work really hard on developing better habits. Some say it takes 21 days to develop a habit, others say 500 repetitions. My attention span does not last that long. At least not yet.

I believe detox is a good idea. Dr. Sven thinks its a good idea. For someone who is such a novice in the kitchen, detox is limited. Yesterday I decided to compact the 5 week program into 8 days. Yesterday was week 2. I made organic eggs with organic tomatoes and pesticide filled onion. Yum. I made one of my supplement drinks that is supposed to be consumed on an empty stomach. I took a bite of my delicious breakfast and then noticed I had not finished my glass of supplements. Then I made rice that I had purchased at the health food store. Long grain, organic, pesticide free brown rice. The I reread the detox manual and it listed SHORT grain rice. Of course it did. Since butter is a dairy product, I added garlic (loaded with pesticides right out a jar, already chopped) and olive oil. Don't try this at home. Then I added stevia, the approved sweetener. I ate it. Again, don't try this at home. For dinner, a wild salmon steak was recommended. I had a tuna steak in a pouch and with rice I was on my way to producing a two substance meal, a big deal for me. I really don't consider spaghetti noodles with butter, a two item dinner. I was pleased, proud, and perhaps even a little smug. Then I realized that the pouch of tuna had sauce made with "stuff" and of course, sugar. Why do I bother.

The second truth is that although I stand on my metaphorical soapbox and rant about nutrition, what I really want to do is to lose weight. And if I am really going to lose weight, I have to have a plan, I have to plan, and I have to follow the plan. I have to keep a food diary. If I want nutrition in my life, I have to introduce myself to my kitchen. The kitchen and I have to become friends. We have to become very good friends. No longer can I toss off the line I stole from someone, "I only have a kitchen because it came with the house".

There is no secret to weight loss. Calories consumed, energy expended. The relationship between the two determines if clothes are looser or tighter. Simple. The hard part of losing weight is overcoming the emotional motivation to eat.

Cycling news: Lance is racing in the Leadville 100 on Saturday. For a metaphorical match, I am spending Friday doing something equally difficult. Details not yet confirmed. Johan (my race director) and I will have to consult on an appropriately metaphorical task to match Lance's efforts on Saturday.

Personal Trainer

Nutrition: I have decided to modify my 5 week detox. I keep forgetting things so I'm going for progress not perfection. I was halfway through a restaurant salad yesterday and realized that I was eating feta cheese....which is a dairy product. Other than that I have kept off dairy and I hate to admit this but my mood has improved. I'm not sure I'm so happy about this. Gee, should I be hoping to be depressed?

I have hired a personal trainer. His name is Sven. He's good friends with Oprah's personal trainer as well as all the people whose pictures appear on all those books exhorting the public to get fit. Just found out that BOTH my knees have a torn meniscus. Went to the physical therapist yesterday. His name is also Sven. Went to the sports' medicine doctor today. His name is Dr. Sven. Of course, we had the 3000 member crew of Extreme Home Makeover add the physical therapy, and sports training wing to the house, complete with apartment for Sven. Took them 4 hours and 7 minutes. Sven has been my imaginary personal trainer for many years and quite frankly he has been rather inconsistent. He's a wonderful motivator for a few days then he gives me "the look", raises both eyebrows quickly, and in a stage whisper says, "You remember that there are Girl Scout cookies in the freezer don't you?" But he's so cute and adorable, I keep hiring him back. He has impeccable taste in everything. Probably because he is gay.

Dr. Sven thought detoxing periodically was a good idea.

Motivation

Motivation seems to be in short supply with me. Perhaps that has been one of the obstacles that has kept me stuck. I know it sounds so simple, but before I had a race director, I did not think much about motivation. I do not like the way I am living. And as the ultimate race director pointed out, the way I live is my choice. I love new beginnings. I love Mondays, the first of months, the first day of seasons, my birthday, January 1, and words cannot describe my enthusiasm at the start of both the new century and the new millennium. I always start out with enough enthusiasm for 10 people. Then, when actual work is required, I tend to get distracted to a new project. Sometimes I think of the things that need to change and I get overwhelmed.....So many projects, so little time. So, do I work on one at a time? Do I work on 3 at a time? I don't know and usually, when I have to decide something that confuses me, I get very sleepy and feel compelled to take a nap. Which is what I want to do right now. I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Regarding Adele and Nutrition: I'm not so good at keeping promises to myself.....which is a whole other story. Did fairly well on detox day 3 yesterday. Except when I ran into one of the friends I've had the longest (I did not say oldest friend) who is just a gift in any one's life, and since I hadn't eaten before I left home, we went to a fast food establishment and had a salad. A salad and dressing that has "stuff" in it. And tea, with caffeine. Then i ate a piece of homemade fudge that was really good. And I forgot my evening lemon juice again, and my supplements. So, for day 4 I have made a list of things to do and take. and it is my intention to check them off as I do them.

I think it may be time to address a couple of my other major 12 issues and hire additional staff. Johan and I will have to decide which ones to tackle first. I really thought training would be easier. Silly me.

Downs and Ups

I shall first confess my "downs". Delia Detox (author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Detoxing you Body, part of Adele's Team Nutrition, and current resident of newly created Nutrition Wing) suggests eliminating one food at a time. Day one, I eliminated dairy. Day two, I wandered into my kitchen and noticed peanut butter cookies and decided NOT to give up sugar that day. So I indulged in these amazing cookies in celebration of my giving up wheat. Later in the day, I figured out that those cookies have flour in them, but just now, I realized that the flour in those cookies was enriched, bleached out, pummeled and was miles away from being wheat. Which is just now resulting in a lesson learned.

When I thought I had eaten the wheat I began the spiral downward. Although I so cleverly found a loophole to allow me to consume peanut butter cookies, only a complete idiot would agree with me and think it was really a great idea to eat six large peanut butter cookies on a detox diet. I was hungry, out of the house, and, since I had already blown my non-wheat day, on my way to a quick fast food sandwich. I'm not sure exactly why, or how, but my driver ended up at the grocery store instead. My driver, who often is my grocery store shopper, coaxed me into the large Kroger store and into the natural foods isle. Wow. Who knew about all the organic offerings at the Kroger just two Krogers past our most local Kroger store. Well, in all honestly, my driver/grocery shopper did. I bought a few things, enough to snack on for the rest of the day that were indeed, on the approved detox list. I also added on of the recommended detox supplements. After I got into bed, I realized I had forgotten my evening lemon and water cocktail. I fell asleep, gratefully remembering the adage, "Progress not Perfection".

The lesson learned: The circumstances of the day stayed consistent. I ate flour but not actually wheat. When I thought it was wheat, I emotionally spiraled downward. When I realized the flour had not been wheat for quite some time, I emotionally perked right up. So the lesson learned is that THOUGHTS CREATE YOUR MOOD. Duh, it seems so simple. Someone told me once that when I start the downward spiral to remind myself that it's only a feeling, an image, a thought, or self talk. FITT. A feeling, an image, a thought or self talk, in itself, is not harmful. Simply let them go. Yes, its easier said than done, but as I've said before, I've tried to change the world for eons, it's time for me to change.

My goal today is to prepare food in addition to steel cut oats. I wish Johan would let me hire a cook.

47 weeks to go: Changes

Accomplishments of the past week: Met with race director to prepare for next day (6 out of 7 days); identified obstacles; began sessions with nutritionist; began detox; made it through one day of detox.

Problems identified: lack of productive habits, lack of proper nutrition, issues with anger (just little issues and only when the idiots deserved it)

The first week of training seemed so simple at the beginning. Hire the best staff and let them transform me. We built the helicopter pad to make Johan's nightly visits easier and we built the nutritional wing for Adele and her staff. I visualized myself wearing the yellow jersey to remind myself of the ultimate goal. Then it became obvious that winning the metaphorical Tour de France will require much effort on my part. It will require much effort and many changes.

Changes. Change is what we want the "other"to do. If only those people who annoy me would change. If only the people who don't understand me would change. If only this institution, that circumstance, those rules would change. It has come to my attention that I am the one that needs to change. "Impossible" you say and I totally agree. How can it be me that needs to change when all those people act the way they do? Heaven knows, I have done everything in my power to get them to change. I have complained, I have whined, I have graciously given advice on what should be changed to the people that need to change things, not once, but many, many times. I have spoken to them politely and I have screamed it to them in case the reason they were not changing was a hearing problem. None of this has elicited the change that would make my life the way it should be.

I have vowed to change myself too many times for anyone or anything except a mainframe computer to count. I have made lists and lists and lists of lists. I have purchased books and magazines and attended seminars and support groups and yet, nothing changes. Now I have hired the world's best race director and the world's best nutritionist hoping that their lists would get the job done. Instead, they are telling me that I have to change. Me. I have to do things differently. I spoke politely and even raised my voice (for emphasis). I used logic, I begged and pleaded, I cajoled, I cried, I threatened to hold my breath until I turned blue and still the verdict was that I had to change.

Training for Le Tour means metaphorically bicycling up the highest mountain. It means devoting hours to working hard, to making the changes necessary, to enduring pain, all for the greater cause of the ultimate goal. And for me, it means planning meals, searching for recipes, shopping for groceries and supplements, and actually preparing the food, and cleaning up afterwards. And this is only ONE of the changes in my life that needs to be made.

Detox Day 1 was relatively successful. I drank 8 ounces of water with the juice of a half squeezed lemon in it to start the day and took my herbal supplement. I did not consume dairy products, using instead soy milk. When I finally read the label, I noticed that organic plain soy milk had cane sweeteners added. Today I will have rice milk with my steel cut oats and blueberries. I drank 6 glasses of water, but not 1 ounce for every 2 pounds of body weight. That would have required my putting a straw in a swimming pool and going for it.

And on top of admitting that I have to change and change is hard, this week my favorite dance show ended for the summer season. My television sorrows have driven me to poetry.

No more Tour de France
No more So You Think You Can Dance
No more Lance
Mal Chance

I think Mal Chance means "bad luck" in French. Of course, its been a while since I took French. Regardless, I think the reader can feel my television pain. One does not acquire the yellow jersey easily.

Detox Day 1

Adele: Adele moved into the nutrition wing of the house and brought two of her team with her. Nice women but very serious about health. I'm sure they are appalled at the state of my nutritional intake.

Delia Quigley and Christine Green are detox experts. Delia wrote The Complete Idiot's Guide to Detoxing Your Body and Christine wrote The 28 Day Plan Detox. Christine's book sells in America at JoAnn Fabrics in the $1.00 bin. If you have a 40% off coupon, you can pick up this small book for only 60 cents.

According to Delia and others, our organs work hard to filter out the junk we feed our bodies and the toxins we expose our bodies to not only in the foods we eat, but in our environment. Therefore, the part of my nutrition team who have arrived, strongly suggested detoxing as the beginning of my nutritional training. Just a note of caution. There are detox programs and there are detox programs. If you want to detox, hire a staff of experts as I have. Since the best experts are committed to my training program, you may have to purchase their books. Use your common sense. A three week detox program of eating only grapefruit and drinking only grapefruit juice is not going to provide proper nutrition. As I said, use your common sense.

Yesterday I went to my local grocery store and to my local health food store. I suggested to both Johan and Adele that we hire someone to shop and two or three people to cook for me. Request denied. This training program is getting tough. Shopping and preparing food? To inspire me I am watching a segment of the 2004 Tour rerun on Vs. that I taped in July. If the cyclists can make it to the top of the mountain, I can figure out the grocery store, the stove top, and the chopping board. I'm in training for Le Tour. I knew it wasn't going to be easy.

Week one of Delia's detox requires eliminating certain foods and replacing them with healthier choices, adding supplements, and drinking plenty of water. Some say you should have an ounce of water EVERY DAY for each 2 pounds of body weight. If that isn't motivation to lose weight, I'm not sure what is. There does seem to be some newer research that suggests all this isn't necessary. Therefore, I will aim toward the big goal, but will not worry if I come up a little short.

Water, supplements, good food. How hard could that be, right?

nutritional team hired.

Johan: I canceled my evening meeting with Johan yesterday and I promise to never do that again. At 9:56 this morning I realized I had an appointment 30 minutes away at 10:00. I need a race director. I will write that 100 times on the blackboard. I cannot manage without a race director. I changed my appointment until later today, but not before I experienced anger and self-loathing. Those things are what I need to get rid of in order to have a successful Tour de France.

Adele: Yesterday Johan and I hired a nutritionist. Actually we hired a nutritional team. The head of the team is Adele. As soon as I met her I knew she was perfect for me. What better way to pay homage to Adele Davis than have a nutritionist named Adele. Adele Davis was one of, if not the first, "health food nut". You say health food nut, I say health food aficionado. I read her books in the early 1970s and for a while followed her advice. In those days people loved to criticize her and anyone else that had an idea that wasn't popular in the 1950s. After she died, critics announced smugly, "see, she died". What idiots live on our planet. Proper nutrition does not prevent death, but it surely makes living easier.

Needless to say, Adele was not impressed with my nutritional intake. I love things smothered in cheese, butter, sour cream. I drink way too many soft drinks. I have never met a sugar molecule I didn't love. And chocolate....ahhhh. This does not in any way match my fantasy. In my fantasy, I make my own bread (by hand, not in a machine). I grow my own herbs and vegetables. I shop at the farmer's market. I am primarily a vegetarian. That is my fantasy. In reality i don't even cook. I don't even reheat well. I have attempted it a few times. Once I put pizza bites into the microwave. I read the directions which said to use a medium setting. By the time I walked from the counter to the micirowave, (not exactly a long walk) I had forgotten the instructions and put them on high. The pizza bites were removed from the plate with brute force. Once I heard the buzzer signaling the end of the baking, I hopped up off the couch, trotted into the kitchen, opened the oven door and noticed the oven was empty. I had remembered to set the timer, but forgot to put the food in the oven. Once I was roasting peanuts in a little toaster oven when I smelled smoke. I got to the kitchen the same time as my roommate's sister who helped me wheel the kitchen cart and the toaster oven out the back door so I could hose it off and put out the fire. I will never forget her frustrated sigh and her muttering the words "Oh, this kitchen" under her breath. You'd think she had never taken kitchen appliances into the back yard for dousing before. It still makes me smile. Once I was actually preparing something with a recipie. The instructions said to add "two clove garlic'. In my mind, clove was an adjective modifing garlic, like white garlic, new garlic, clove garlic. Never did I think it meant to add two cloves OF garlic. Trust me, two bulbs of garlic, clove or otherwise, is not the same as two cloves of garlic. I smelled like garlic for ever so long. There are more stories, but you get the point. I don't cook. Although in (some) of my fantasies, I do.

The point is, now I have Adele and her team of nutritionists working for me. We are adding a wing to the house just to accomodate the nutritionists. I can hear you saying now, I live in an apartment. How can I add a whole wing to an apartment. For you who, for whatever reason, choose not to add proper accomodations for a nutritional team and the ultimate kitchen, once again, you can consult your inner nutritionist. Of course, you may already have perfect nutrition. Right.

anger

Johan and I discussed another obstacle necessary to overcome on my way to Le Tour. 1) Anger 2) Anger 3) Anger. In my defense, i use anger to cover up pain. And I'm only angry when people are acting like idiots. Joahn says those are not good enough excuses and my anger will impede my progress.

The next staff to be hired will be a nutritionist. Proper nutrition is the starting point for health. Every cell in our bodies is a product of the food we eat. Thus, my cells are obviously sweet. And also fried, refried, and topped with butter and sour creme. Interviews will be today.

Review and Prepare

Johan and I met last night for our daily review and planning session. I managed to accomplish the major tasks that HAD to be completed yesterday. However, Johan and I identified two obstacles that will impede my progress toward my goal. One, is that I was running late to get to task #1 and I left the house without the paperwork I needed for task # 2. No surprise regarding the consequences, right? An extra trip back to the house, additional stress, and I did not have a chance to accomplish task #3. Solution? not too difficult. As Johan and I reviewed the next day's tasks to accomplish, I found the necessary paperwork. Of course, today is an easy day for which to plan. Nevertheless, Johan assures me that this is a necessary habit for any Tour de France contender. Therefore, I will commit to this habit. Review the upcoming day, and prepare for it. That Johan, what a task master.

The second issue is not as easy to resolve. Yesterday I woke up, but did not want to get out of bed. I wanted to WANT to get up, but I kept falling back asleep and promising myself that I would get up the next time I woke up. I lied to myself. Johan did not have an immediate solution to this issue. Is it related to depression? Probably. Is it a procrastination issue? Maybe. Is there a link between depression and procrastination? Yes.

Not even Johan can resolve this issue in the blink of an eye, or in cycling parlance, the turn of a wheel. If your inner race director needs more time to come up with a solution, that's fine. Resolve the smaller issues first. For me, its review tomorrow's obligations and tasks and gather whatever is necessary to have on hand, thus eliminating a source of stress.

You will be glad to know that the helicopter pad is installed. We hired a 3000 person crew from Extreeme Home Makeovers and they finished it in 22 minutes.

Race Director Hired

I now have a race director/general manager. His name is Johan and he is from Belgium.
The race director is as important as the riders. The race director sees the big picture and plans the strategy. He or she has to be focused and brilliant. Johan Bruyneel is currently the race director for team Astana and previously was the race director for team Discovery and before that team US Postal Service. Yes, he is the magician in the car behind the pelton talking to Lance and his teammates. NINE Tour de France wins. He is from Belgium. That's all I'm saying. I can see those wheels turning as you wonder if THE Johan Bruyneel is my race director. I'm not saying yes, and I'm not saying no. All I will say is that THE Johan Bruyneel obviously has some time on his hands for the upcoming year. After all, how hard could it be to race direct Lance Armstrong to another tour victory? Hey Lance, remember all those other years? Just do what you did then.

As for a metaphrorical Tour de France, a race director is the key. Every Sunday Johan will meet with me, right before I go to bed, and we will make a list of things that must be done the next week. Every night Monday - Saturday we will meet and review what needs to be done the next day, cross off things that got done, list the accomplishments and identify the obstacles of the day.

I have my list in front of me now.

Since Johan is busy and a world traveler, I am having a helicopter pad installed on the roof of my house. I go to bed at random times, so timing may be a challenge, but a race director's gotta do what a race director's gotta do. And no one is better than Johan.

Now some of you who may want to hire your own race director to help you change your life and train for your own metaphorical Tour, I can hear you now saying "I live in a place that doesn't allow helicopter pads". Well, that is too bad for you, you may have to go to Plan B. You could build a little house next to yours for your race director or convert the den into a tiny apartment for your race director. The important thing is just to have a race director; to make the list, review it daily, and commit to listening to your inner race director. I have Johnan, but eveyone has an inner race director.

Staffing Needs

If i am going to be, at least, in consideration for at least one person on the race committee of a very small race, I need to have staff. Yes, my ultimate goal is to win Le Tour, but I figure Lance will win in '10, so i'm creating an intermeditate goal. As I mentioned, I need many staff members and in some cases many teams of staff members. Since I have been without a job for a week, hiring staff will require much imagination. Luckily, I have much imagination. My favorite bumber sticker? Reality is for people with little imagination.

Curent Staffing Needs:
General Manager
Trainer
Nutritionist
Sports Psychologist
Domistique
Personal Assistant
Business Manager
Information Technology Guy
Publicist
Designer/Stylist
Team
Sponsor

And that's just to get things going.
My next major decsion is which one to hire first. Ah...... perhaps I will hire a general manager to make that decision for me.

48 Weeks to Go

August 1, 2009
I watched the Tour de France this year, as I have for the past several years, and as usual I was inspired by the efforts made by the riders. In fact, I have been so inspired, I have decided to begin training for my very own, metaphorical, Tour de France.

I have never put as much effort, either physical, mental, or emotional into anything as the riders in le Tour do. I watch and am amazed.

My life is a mess. I have no job. I am unorganized. I have a torn meniscus in my right knee and my left knee doesn't feel so great. My house is a mess. My car is filled with stuff from my former office, a folding lounge chair, two paintings and a framed print of dogs, two unassembled bookcases, books, 250 bottle caps, and a variety toys from fast food meals from children -- don't judge me, the toys are cute. People seem annoyed with me quite often. This is either all their fault (they don't understand me) or I am overly sensitive. Oh yes, I am depressed. And sometimes I have anxiety. Then there is that pesky anger issue I have from time to time. Oh yes, also the hoarding issue. Like I said, my life is a mess.

On the upside, I am not a heroin addict. Nor do i participate in blood doping. That should count for something.

With those stellar accomplishments, or lack of destructive habits, I am entering a training program for my very own metaphorical Tour de France. My first step is to hire the appropriate staff.